01-04-2020, 04:53 AM
.
Hi Poet26389,
there's a very nice idea here, and an excellent end line, it just lacks a bit of focus, I think.
You could include more detail, both of the shoes (what colour were the Converse, for
instance) and of her.
Given that you've got four in the title, perhaps start each verse with a number, rather than
'there were' (which doesn't say that much).
Just a suggestion
First, her Converse, her best beloveds
- bought from x in/on y -
in which she navigated high school,
trod a path between AP Calc, English, drama
of friends and fallings out, boys and boys
and her crushes. She'd held on to them.
They took here everywhere.
Do you need 'sneakers' after 'Converse'?
I think it would be good to describe how she sounded in these shoes (and the rest).
Does she appear silently, or do they make a distinctive sound?
This is basic, so I'll leave it here, except to say in the final verse I'd recommend cutting lines
4-6 (they detract from the emotions in L2-3, and L7).
Enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot
.
Hi Poet26389,
there's a very nice idea here, and an excellent end line, it just lacks a bit of focus, I think.
You could include more detail, both of the shoes (what colour were the Converse, for
instance) and of her.
Given that you've got four in the title, perhaps start each verse with a number, rather than
'there were' (which doesn't say that much).
Just a suggestion
First, her Converse, her best beloveds
- bought from x in/on y -
in which she navigated high school,
trod a path between AP Calc, English, drama
of friends and fallings out, boys and boys
and her crushes. She'd held on to them.
They took here everywhere.
Do you need 'sneakers' after 'Converse'?
I think it would be good to describe how she sounded in these shoes (and the rest).
Does she appear silently, or do they make a distinctive sound?
This is basic, so I'll leave it here, except to say in the final verse I'd recommend cutting lines
4-6 (they detract from the emotions in L2-3, and L7).
Enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot
.