Liberation Study

[billy]

i like the Spanish touch, when you mention the afternoon rains i'm minded of the Philippines as i am when reading the religious aspect of the piece. it works well for me as a study through a bus window though i felt the 4th stanza was overly dramatic and to much a change for the style to make it work well. if each stanza were alternated in this way i might work but as is i think reworking the 4th stanza into a similar style with the rest of the piece might benefit it better.

Below is a long running piece that I’ve never been quite  satisfied with. At the bottom is an earlier draft. I prefer it’s language, but it doesn’t really get at the meaning. And the latest draft which comes much closer to what I was going for in terms of message, but maybe it feels a bit wordy. 

Liberation Study

on the bus
a la universidad
we pass her out back
before the afternoon rains
a cross of weathered
board and nails
suspending line
and laundry
above hard-packed dust

clothespins braced
between her fingers and teeth
struggling against
billowing sheets

arms raised overhead
gathering bedding
singing
a survivor’s song
as the storm approaches

gust, snap
surety of faith
gust, snap
liberty of submission
gust, snap
dignity of the maternal

the wind shifts
through her loose strands of pelo
and her floral frock
gust, snap
lifts the veil

praising,
surrendering, or
hanging wash

- - - - - -

The Cross Out Back

a crucifix:
weathered board, nails
suspends line, laundry
30" above soil

a woman:
clothes pins braced
between fingers, teeth
praising,
surrendering,

or hanging wash