Liberation Study - Printable Version +- Poetry Forum (https://www.pigpenpoetry.com) +-- Forum: Poetry Forum (https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/forum-1.html) +--- Forum: Mild to moderate critique (https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/forum-2.html) +--- Thread: Liberation Study (/thread-22585.html) |
Liberation Study - bbcashdollar - 12-29-2019 Below is a long running piece that I’ve never been quite satisfied with. At the bottom is an earlier draft. I prefer it’s language, but it doesn’t really get at the meaning. And the latest draft which comes much closer to what I was going for in terms of message, but maybe it feels a bit wordy. Liberation Study on the bus a la universidad we pass her out back before the afternoon rains a cross of weathered board and nails suspending line and laundry above hard-packed dust clothespins braced between her fingers and teeth struggling against billowing sheets arms raised overhead gathering bedding singing a survivor’s song as the storm approaches gust, snap surety of faith gust, snap liberty of submission gust, snap dignity of the maternal the wind shifts through her loose strands of pelo and her floral frock gust, snap lifts the veil praising, surrendering, or hanging wash - - - - - - The Cross Out Back a crucifix: weathered board, nails suspends line, laundry 30" above soil a woman: clothes pins braced between fingers, teeth praising, surrendering, or hanging wash RE: Liberation Study - billy - 12-29-2019 i like the Spanish touch, when you mention the afternoon rains i'm minded of the Philippines as i am when reading the religious aspect of the piece. it works well for me as a study through a bus window though i felt the 4th stanza was overly dramatic and to much a change for the style to make it work well. if each stanza were alternated in this way i might work but as is i think reworking the 4th stanza into a similar style with the rest of the piece might benefit it better. (12-29-2019, 02:57 AM)bbcashdollar Wrote: Below is a long running piece that I’ve never been quite satisfied with. At the bottom is an earlier draft. I prefer it’s language, but it doesn’t really get at the meaning. And the latest draft which comes much closer to what I was going for in terms of message, but maybe it feels a bit wordy. RE: Liberation Study - Thunderembargo - 01-12-2020 (12-29-2019, 02:57 AM)bbcashdollar Wrote: Below is a long running piece that I’ve never been quite satisfied with. At the bottom is an earlier draft. I prefer it’s language, but it doesn’t really get at the meaning. And the latest draft which comes much closer to what I was going for in terms of message, but maybe it feels a bit wordy.i foogin' looove clothing pins for some odd reason, eager to hear more of this kind of synthesis RE: Liberation Study - Knot - 01-12-2020 . Hi bb, enjoyed the read, though, like Billy, I thought S4 a misstep. Don't know if this will help, but ... Liberation Study before the afternoon rains on the bus a la universidad we pass her out back a cross of weathered board and nails [suspends] [a] line and laundry clothespins braced between fingers and teeth [she] struggles against billowing sheets the wind shifts through her loose strands of pelo and floral frock [lifting] the veil arms raised gathering bedding singing a survivor’s song praising, surrendering, or hanging out wash[ing] the storm approaches Best, Knot . |