10-09-2019, 01:55 AM
it’s a rose.
a rose, Repetitive--might you find another way to approach this (pronoun?) that represents passion, & love. Show, don't tell
it’s petals are ruby red cliche (glow scarlet? or some such...)
the inner sides of them flame up in ash of pollen.
while it’s leaves ablaze green. For me green just does not blaze
white, small flowers surround the rose.
twisting and curling around its stem,
as if it is a vine.
thin lines, crinkle across the leaves
like a tattoo.
if I pulled the rose close to my nose, You only insert yourself in here. Why not stay out and let the rose do the work? I also found the line cumbersome, but not sure why.
its aura would come in contact with me.
the smell of clean nature.
a day passed, and the rose was flat.
no volume, no energy.
arising, just the rotten smell of death, Never had a rose go that bad ever, certainly not in one day
.
the stem was no longer high of life,
it flaked to the side, the petals
no longer red Use a direct description (faded or grey) instead of a negation of red. as the leaves were no longer seen.
the spill of mud traveled down through the veins,
out spewed the smell of a concoction. The "spill of mud" and "spewed" bring to my mind nausea and vomit. Do you want it that strongly worded
the leaves were curled up in a fetal position,
when touched Not needed, felt implies touch. they felt stale, dry,
and the air no longer blew it to life.
it lived through the day, but not through the night.
the rose was just a rose.
it lived, it died.
It had a purpose, until the sunrise.
I think you have a good subject matter. I get the sense of a flower given to impress and manipulate, hiding insincere motives.
if that is it, tell us a bit more of the story.
I am mixed on the first 5 lines of second stanza, nice descriptions of the flower but thinking they're not really needed to move the poem forward. Hope some of this blather is useful.
jeff
a rose, Repetitive--might you find another way to approach this (pronoun?) that represents passion, & love. Show, don't tell
it’s petals are ruby red cliche (glow scarlet? or some such...)
the inner sides of them flame up in ash of pollen.
while it’s leaves ablaze green. For me green just does not blaze
white, small flowers surround the rose.
twisting and curling around its stem,
as if it is a vine.
thin lines, crinkle across the leaves
like a tattoo.
if I pulled the rose close to my nose, You only insert yourself in here. Why not stay out and let the rose do the work? I also found the line cumbersome, but not sure why.
its aura would come in contact with me.
the smell of clean nature.
a day passed, and the rose was flat.
no volume, no energy.
arising, just the rotten smell of death, Never had a rose go that bad ever, certainly not in one day
.
the stem was no longer high of life,
it flaked to the side, the petals
no longer red Use a direct description (faded or grey) instead of a negation of red. as the leaves were no longer seen.
the spill of mud traveled down through the veins,
out spewed the smell of a concoction. The "spill of mud" and "spewed" bring to my mind nausea and vomit. Do you want it that strongly worded
the leaves were curled up in a fetal position,
when touched Not needed, felt implies touch. they felt stale, dry,
and the air no longer blew it to life.
it lived through the day, but not through the night.
the rose was just a rose.
it lived, it died.
It had a purpose, until the sunrise.
I think you have a good subject matter. I get the sense of a flower given to impress and manipulate, hiding insincere motives.
if that is it, tell us a bit more of the story.
I am mixed on the first 5 lines of second stanza, nice descriptions of the flower but thinking they're not really needed to move the poem forward. Hope some of this blather is useful.
jeff
Life is far to important to take seriously. 