09-29-2019, 11:38 AM
@Knot, the rhymes are pretty much unintended. Noted on the parenthetical, as you call it, and I expect to make tweaks, but I'm not confident in removing the falling chick yet -- would the balancing act of tightrope-walker be a better effect? I'm also not a fan of needlessly short lines.
@churinga, I'd prefer that the entire piece be central to the image of a plane, so it may be necessary to introduce that setting early on. I've adjusted this slight so that the image of an airplane shouldn't be too jarring. Not the intended three days, but certainly not a problem. A mention of some number is far too vague to mean anything on its own, so there's usually a need for context before analyzing a number. Context is not universal of course, but I had hoped it would more clear than it seems to be. I've made a change to it, that should make the context slightly more apparent, but it's difficult to select a word that maintains the needed duality.
@busker, same issue with the three days, I suppose. Not a part worth getting hung up on, especially if you can work through the rest of the piece. I totally understand your comment on the "it" not attaching to a proper subject. Changed the wording a bit, because the "it" does refer to the effort, but effort looks like the chick.
Lastly, I'd like to replace the word "return" in the final line, but again, I require some duality between the unprecedented and the recurring. Still searching for such a word.
@churinga, I'd prefer that the entire piece be central to the image of a plane, so it may be necessary to introduce that setting early on. I've adjusted this slight so that the image of an airplane shouldn't be too jarring. Not the intended three days, but certainly not a problem. A mention of some number is far too vague to mean anything on its own, so there's usually a need for context before analyzing a number. Context is not universal of course, but I had hoped it would more clear than it seems to be. I've made a change to it, that should make the context slightly more apparent, but it's difficult to select a word that maintains the needed duality.
@busker, same issue with the three days, I suppose. Not a part worth getting hung up on, especially if you can work through the rest of the piece. I totally understand your comment on the "it" not attaching to a proper subject. Changed the wording a bit, because the "it" does refer to the effort, but effort looks like the chick.
Lastly, I'd like to replace the word "return" in the final line, but again, I require some duality between the unprecedented and the recurring. Still searching for such a word.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona