08-12-2019, 04:03 PM
(08-12-2019, 04:15 AM)dukealien Wrote: In intensive critique, recognizing that this is meant for performance but in absence of a video showing B-roll, dramatic motion, etc., mainly concentrating on written aspects.TAYQ no. It develops its own meaning also the gaps are just pauses because of the inability to express what’s at the end which would be more evident in a performance.
(08-11-2019, 09:27 AM)Oden Prufrock Wrote: The Darker The Beast, The Louder The Scream Effective title which promises muchThis puts me in mind of a role-playing game or literature derived from one. Is the speaker a player character trying to avoid grisly death, or a NPC monster complaining of its fate?
(Performance Poem Script)
The mouthing jaws of the mountain, In general, watch out for "the" used as intensifier rather than its rare use indicating uniqueness (a priest, the Pope). Here "These mouthing jaws of mountain/topaz eyes of winter" could flow better, for example
its topaz eyes of winter,
the creaking regal posture
of an ancient hungry… Another general comment: in performance the ellipses will presumably segue into dance/motion and/or musical passages. Looking at the words alone, they seem incomplete.
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I’ve no divine sword
nor Zeusian arms of judgement, While Zeus, being Boss God, could do anything including grants of arms, his armorer Hephaestus/Vulcan, could be more recognizable here. Especially "Vulcan arms" with Vulcan as adjective.
I am but a puppet To allay the cliche, consider "marionette" and some variant of pulling strings - "for this world to twitch my limbs," for example.
for the world to pull my strings,
make me dance
make me cry,
just please don’t make me…
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The burn mark itches
with dryness and red, "itches... with red" is striking but difficult. Perhaps "itches red with dryness"
I try to scratch it off
but it’s branded me a… Incompleteness into the ellipsis is particularly problematic here.
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The bandage releases, "releases" is an odd thing to say about a bandage, and the following line seems to be an inversion. Perhaps something like "This bandage peels,/reveals my demon's leer"
peers the demon’s face,
an ice cold wraith,
a gluttonous tyrant very good image here
freezes me in my moment of trepidation, I get "trepidation," but 4x repeat may be excessive unless there's a good presentation reason. Perhaps vary with fear... doubt... rage or the like.
my moment of trepidation,
my moment of trepidation,
my moment of trepidation!
I am an animal,
nothing more nothing less, this comma shouldn't be here
then what am I to this monster,
what am…
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Perception is an illusion
or is it real?
What is real and not? A nice line, especially if read as "What is [both] real and not?"
My fear is real.
My fear is…
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Give me a gun a sword an axe, Need some commas here, and perhaps an em-dash at line end
anything to fend this attack! Although "fend off" sounds like a cliche avoided, it's really one word, as if it were "fend-off;" "fend" by itself doesn't make sense. Perhaps "counter" in place of "fend?"
I’ll bow I’ll shit I’ll cry I…
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MURDERER, DEAD, COWARD, NOT REAL,
I AM BRAVE, I WON’T DIE!
I WON'T LIVE, I WON’T CRY!
I AM WEAK, I AM FLAWED
BUT I AM NOT A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
I AM NOT A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARD!!!
I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT
A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARD!!!
I cast you back to hell. This last line is nicely ambiguous: is the speaker announcing success in exorcising the demon, or the demon announcing the speaker's failure in a different voice?

