07-29-2019, 07:52 AM
I think using the names of the countries is a bit too explanatory for my taste. Subtle clues might be nicer. For example, L1 might read ‘villages of empty jinka, or some such. Any reader worth having, IMO, would take the time to google ‘jinka’
I swapped a coupleof lines around, so ‘up close shoddy made...’ came directly after the houses, not after the highways:
glaring skyscrapers
eight-lane highways
empty, empty, empty
blocks of residential houses
up close shoddy-made decayed
built near nowhere to
defraud a people of
their savings with vain hopes
of ownership denied:
China
I understand the social implications, but think you need something to tie them together into an epiphany of sorts. Perhaps just an ending couplet. Otherwise, I wonder ‘why the comparison?’ I do question whether the Chinese homes were built as an intentional attempt to defraud (more money could have been scammed if they never actually built the homes), or if was just an ill-conceived grand plan that failed miserably.
And I wonder if ‘residential houses’ might be redundant. Residential structures, maybe?
I swapped a coupleof lines around, so ‘up close shoddy made...’ came directly after the houses, not after the highways:
glaring skyscrapers
eight-lane highways
empty, empty, empty
blocks of residential houses
up close shoddy-made decayed
built near nowhere to
defraud a people of
their savings with vain hopes
of ownership denied:
China
I understand the social implications, but think you need something to tie them together into an epiphany of sorts. Perhaps just an ending couplet. Otherwise, I wonder ‘why the comparison?’ I do question whether the Chinese homes were built as an intentional attempt to defraud (more money could have been scammed if they never actually built the homes), or if was just an ill-conceived grand plan that failed miserably.
And I wonder if ‘residential houses’ might be redundant. Residential structures, maybe?
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot