06-30-2019, 12:18 PM
A Giant’s Footsteps
I sense silver scales slide out from my skin;
I would leave in 'under' it creates a better rhythm via dissonance. But this line still has the problem of scales, either one has them or one doesn't they don't 'slide out'
they appeared from my ventures in the world.
I would use 'adventures 'for the same reason, rhythm.
like a dragon's fortunate blessing;
Sounds good but arn't all blessings fortunate?
a sign that the future grows more radiant with each step.
Do you need 'a sign' it would flow much better without it and this is a good line.
I feel surging, spirit-defining joy in this journey,
Words like 'spirit' and 'joy', like all broad abstracts tend to mean nothing much when read. Avoid them like the plague.
for the boy I see arise from the tar and muck is a giant;
You have lost the rhythm, too many words. Why not 'the boy arises.. Why interject the author into the line.
he forms from nature and by his will corrects himself.
Again 'will' and 'nature', more broad abstracts.
the moon smiles on his strength,
'the moon smiles' is a clanger of a cliche.
his solitude in darkness gives him focus while he trains
You regain the rhythm. Although solitude is a very over used word in poetry this line reads very well.
to accept the teeth of chaos in his flesh,
Good line.
never be destroyed by weakness and despair.
How many abstracts are you going to use? It's like a bad Victorian novel.
he may pound the earth like an angry bull out of his pain;
Dreadful, you have totally lost the rhythm again.
he may give in to the weight of the world;
Another cliche.
he may singe his legs with heat of his speed against the wind.
You don't need 'with heat' how else do you singe something? Again the rhythm is lost.
Such is the metamorphosis from bully to immortal man
Do you need this summation, can't the reader figure it out for himself. An immortal is not a man. Man is not immortal.
who lives on in hearts he empowers.
I would put in 'the hearts' it is what we say. But really this ending is very old fashioned and tired.
Sorry to be so harsh. I did like the whole idea much more than the execution, just because you are writing about something mythic is no reason why you should use dated language, in particualr a string of abstracts and some corny metaphors. One must be absolutely modern as Rimbaud remarked.
I sense silver scales slide out from my skin;
I would leave in 'under' it creates a better rhythm via dissonance. But this line still has the problem of scales, either one has them or one doesn't they don't 'slide out'
they appeared from my ventures in the world.
I would use 'adventures 'for the same reason, rhythm.
like a dragon's fortunate blessing;
Sounds good but arn't all blessings fortunate?
a sign that the future grows more radiant with each step.
Do you need 'a sign' it would flow much better without it and this is a good line.
I feel surging, spirit-defining joy in this journey,
Words like 'spirit' and 'joy', like all broad abstracts tend to mean nothing much when read. Avoid them like the plague.
for the boy I see arise from the tar and muck is a giant;
You have lost the rhythm, too many words. Why not 'the boy arises.. Why interject the author into the line.
he forms from nature and by his will corrects himself.
Again 'will' and 'nature', more broad abstracts.
the moon smiles on his strength,
'the moon smiles' is a clanger of a cliche.
his solitude in darkness gives him focus while he trains
You regain the rhythm. Although solitude is a very over used word in poetry this line reads very well.
to accept the teeth of chaos in his flesh,
Good line.
never be destroyed by weakness and despair.
How many abstracts are you going to use? It's like a bad Victorian novel.
he may pound the earth like an angry bull out of his pain;
Dreadful, you have totally lost the rhythm again.
he may give in to the weight of the world;
Another cliche.
he may singe his legs with heat of his speed against the wind.
You don't need 'with heat' how else do you singe something? Again the rhythm is lost.
Such is the metamorphosis from bully to immortal man
Do you need this summation, can't the reader figure it out for himself. An immortal is not a man. Man is not immortal.
who lives on in hearts he empowers.
I would put in 'the hearts' it is what we say. But really this ending is very old fashioned and tired.
Sorry to be so harsh. I did like the whole idea much more than the execution, just because you are writing about something mythic is no reason why you should use dated language, in particualr a string of abstracts and some corny metaphors. One must be absolutely modern as Rimbaud remarked.