Offline

[churinga]

Offline.
 
In these quiet days of no achievement
when it's little things and nothing more.
What day it is, is unimportant.
Sleep is deep but sleep is short.

Between soliloquies and open cupboards, 
shopping trips and making toast,
I tap my spine with one more question,
I wait for calls that mean the most.

Now in a five star unit (view to match).
A food fiesta, balcony awaits.
The wine is bitter, the talk intense. 
I leave early, buzzed through iron gates.

[Seraphim]

Nice opening stanza. Sets up the mood of retirement. Nice rhythm to the lines.

Around S2L3 I lose the meaning of ‘tap my spine’, but understand the next. It also loses the initial rhythm there. The first two lines of S2 keep the mid-line pause, but depend on ‘and’ to do so. A bit repetitive.

S3 loses the rhYthm entirely, and while I get the double entendre of buzzed, the line seems a let-down to the nice set-up. Guess I was expecting an epiphany of some sort. The stanza seems a bit forced without the conversational feel of S1.

S3L1 feels metrical. A metrical line shouldn’t feel that way. Compare it to the smooth opening line. One thing that exaggerated that feel is having a line of all monosyllabic words. Makes the meter jump out at the reader.

Finally - S3 again - the first line doesn’t seem to connect well with the previous stanza. ‘Now’ makes a time jump. How about ‘while’? Maybe even enjamb the lines across the stanza break:

I wait for calls that mean the most / while in a five star unit...

I’m not commenting on meter, because I don’t know if you’re trying for a tight metrical piece or not. If you are, let me know and I’ll comment there.

Looking forward to revisions on this, especially in S3

[churinga]

Hi Ser
I never noticed the one syllable line S3L1, I always feel blessed when someone keeps me honest.
'tap my spine' refers to meditation, on the chakras, the cabalistic tree of life.
I think the last verse does connect to the rest in the sense that my life is solitary but then I'm occasionally invited out.
I doubt it will be revised. I post in the spirit of, 'I'm still learning and the next poem will reflect this.'

thanks for commenting

all the best

Ross

[Richard]

Hey churinga,
I like the tone here. I do have some thoughts though:

Offline. -This title made me think about being disconnected from the internet, which in this age also means being disconnected from people. On the one hand, the title works because you can feel the disconnection to others here. However, I think you could have played around more with jumping between both meanings throughout the poem.
 
In these quiet days of no achievement -The use of of an example of an actually non-achievement would strengthen this line and develop the character of the speaker more. 
when it's little things and nothing more. -This line is one of the best in the entire poem because it really captures the lonely tone.
What day it is, is unimportant.
Sleep is deep but sleep is short. -These two lines work because they sum up the speaker's current state (retirement).

Between soliloquies and open cupboards, -The use of the word "soliloquies" bothers me. Why not get super specific and describe something the speaker would talk to their self about? The images that follow ("open cupboards" and "making toast") work well because they are specific.
shopping trips and making toast,
I tap my spine with one more question, -What is the question?
I wait for calls that mean the most. -Again, this line works because it adds to the lonely tone.

Now in a five star unit (view to match). -I feel like this is the only line in the poem that plays around with the other meaning of "Offline" I mentioned above. 
A food fiesta, balcony awaits.
The wine is bitter, the talk intense. -Why is the talk intense? I feel like you could use an image here to strengthen this line.
I leave early, buzzed through iron gates. -This is just food for thought, but why not start with this strophe? I like the idea of starting with the speaking becoming trapped in this facility.

I hope I wasn't too harsh here. I just tend to go deep when it's intensive critique. I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

[churinga]

Thanks for your comments Richard.
The poem is constrained by the formal format and the meter. I agree it is to some extent telling rather than showing. I find it almost impossible to rewrite short song like sonnets like this, change one line or phrase and you change the whole thing. I am into free verse mode at the moemnt, very liberating, although I don't write much these days.

all the best

Ross