05-23-2019, 11:05 PM
Hi this is my first critique 
I like your poem. I'm definely seeing the visual images, i like the feeling of each stanza. It definitely sucks less than the things I am writing!
2 things that don't work for me. First -the last line of the first stanza - what is frozen on the ground? I assume it's the shovel, but maybe it's the breeze? Or the snow? I'm not sure how to make that more clear.
Second - the 3 stanzas don't seem to fit well together, they are about 3 completely different things. If there was a way to tie them together more, make it flow more. Like maybe instead of being back inside, you are still outside, but seeing your son play through the window? I think that is actually what you mean - you are still outside but thinking about your family inside, but it's not super clear.
- bob
I like your poem. I'm definely seeing the visual images, i like the feeling of each stanza. It definitely sucks less than the things I am writing!
2 things that don't work for me. First -the last line of the first stanza - what is frozen on the ground? I assume it's the shovel, but maybe it's the breeze? Or the snow? I'm not sure how to make that more clear.
Second - the 3 stanzas don't seem to fit well together, they are about 3 completely different things. If there was a way to tie them together more, make it flow more. Like maybe instead of being back inside, you are still outside, but seeing your son play through the window? I think that is actually what you mean - you are still outside but thinking about your family inside, but it's not super clear.
- bob