(05-19-2019, 10:05 AM)Richard Wrote:  Drift

I use a metal shovel
because last week snow fell,
whimsically guided by the breeze,
but now, it is frozen on the ground. not sure if the ambiguity was meant but this line has it. and it works. is the shovel or the snow frozen? i wouldn't change it, for me it works really well.

Inside, our son plays
with his imaginary friend
(we can't agree
on how much to humour him).
You protect yourself beneath a quilt
with a thread count you insisted on.

Your silent goodbye repeats in my head, i'm presuming she's not leaving for good
while winter wind reminds me lot's of good W's
what must be done.

(05-19-2019, 10:05 AM)Richard Wrote:  Drift

I use a metal shovel
because last week snow fell,
whimsically guided by the breeze,
but now, it is frozen on the ground.        // fully good first verse

Inside, our son plays
with his imaginary friend
(we can't agree          // a well placed line-break.
on how much to humour him).
You protect yourself beneath a quilt        // "protect" gives a good set of potential meanings to this line
with a thread count you insisted on.

Your silent goodbye repeats in my head,        // This is where I'd prefer a more concrete image - a silent goodbye that repeats sounds like a waving hand, but I'm left unsure
while winter wind reminds me 
what must be done.

(05-19-2019, 10:05 AM)Richard Wrote:  Drift

I use a metal shovel
because last week snow fell, this is good, very good
whimsically guided by the breeze, yes, okay
but now, it is metal frozen on the ground. the 'it' didn't read well for me

Inside, our son plays awww, back inside so soon? you had something outside in the cold.
with his imaginary friend
(we can't agree
on how much to humour him).  hmmm... okay
You protect yourself beneath a quilt
with a thread count you insisted on. interesting quip... but please don't make this about a specific 'you' , don't make this personal

Your silent goodbye repeats in my head, this last stanza took the piece into a vendetta that we didn't need to be introduced into 
while winter wind reminds me boooo, this is boring
what must be done. this ending makes me think the author is about to commit murder

(05-19-2019, 10:05 AM)Richard Wrote:  Drift --I like the title for its versatility. It works with both a snow drift and the emotional act of drifting apart. It's a nice subtle hint at the content.

I use a metal shovel-Not a fan of this opening line. Use is a bit flat of a verb. Starting with a shovel implying that you may be burying things or attempting to dig them up metaphorically isn't bad. The line though carries little intrigue which I think is needed in an opener.
because last week snow fell, When you consider where the poem ends "last week snow fell" could imply an argument and a chilling in the relationship. It might be a better opening with a slight restructuring.
whimsically guided by the breeze,--Whimsically is too telling of a word for me. It would probably work better if you used some imagery to show the movement.
but now, it is frozen on the ground.--again I like ending this with frozen on the ground but I'm not a fan of the "it is" being sort of construct. I think your an edit away from making this pop off the page--but this is all to static for me presently.

Inside, our son plays
with his imaginary friend--love this part. Inside gives a slide separation and distance.
(we can't agree --great break (you could even emphasize it more if you wish though not entirely necessary (we can never agree)
on how much to humour him).
You protect yourself beneath a quilt--consider breaking on yourself. I like that the quilt mirrors the snow above and also implies a lack of warmth and connection
with a thread count you insisted on.--Nice character detail.

Your silent goodbye repeats in my head,--again not bad but still mostly a statement. Is there a way to express this with more imagery that plays off the theme.
while winter wind reminds me--again possibly find a way to clutch the shovel bring symmetry. Imply the chipping away or the burying.
what must be done.--Not a bad payoff line but to work it needs a better emotional build up.

(05-19-2019, 10:05 AM)Richard Wrote:  Drift

Last week's snow is frozen,--considering your themes and the narrative you hook them too, I wonder if you want last week's as opposed to last night's to tie it closer to the argument. Obviously you could be saying something by using weeks it just depends how much you want to focus the lens.
hard as morning after apologies--I like the line break on frozen and the starting of this line with hard. I also like the simile.
given to a back, sore--I do not like given to a back it feels clunky phrasing. I like the idea you're going for Maybe try for a parallel structure "hard as a morning/stiff (maybe tied to the halting back up sort of I will not reconcile and the back sore and stiff on the couch). I won't try to show the phrasing I'm mostly just trying to suggest a possible path nothing more. 
from sleeping on the couch again.

I use your gardening spade,
still dirty with spring soil;
your annuals long dead.--Nice subtle comparison to the relationship. All of this. 

Inside, our son plays
with his imaginary friend
(we can't agree
on how much to humour him).
You protect yourself
beneath a quilt
with a thread count you insisted on.

Our silence repeats in my head,
until winter wind starts an argument
with my labored breaths-
then the shovel breaks.--This is a nice sequence that ends in futility. I like it. My issues are mostly with the opening.