05-19-2019, 06:50 PM
Hello, you started strong, but it would be stronger if the title fit the piece.
the piece would benefit if things didn't suddenly become about 'you'. that personal 'you', that 'you' which perhaps motivated the writing should have remained in your head for the sake of brevity
Overall, reads well, and catches air of a depth effortlessly (which is difficult to do) but loses sight of that essence as soon as you made it about someone
the piece would benefit if things didn't suddenly become about 'you'. that personal 'you', that 'you' which perhaps motivated the writing should have remained in your head for the sake of brevity
Overall, reads well, and catches air of a depth effortlessly (which is difficult to do) but loses sight of that essence as soon as you made it about someone
(05-19-2019, 10:05 AM)Richard Wrote: Drift
I use a metal shovel
because last week snow fell, this is good, very good
whimsically guided by the breeze, yes, okay
but now, it is metal frozen on the ground. the 'it' didn't read well for me
Inside, our son plays awww, back inside so soon? you had something outside in the cold.
with his imaginary friend
(we can't agree
on how much to humour him). hmmm... okay
You protect yourself beneath a quilt
with a thread count you insisted on. interesting quip... but please don't make this about a specific 'you' , don't make this personal
Your silent goodbye repeats in my head, this last stanza took the piece into a vendetta that we didn't need to be introduced into
while winter wind reminds me boooo, this is boring
what must be done. this ending makes me think the author is about to commit murder
assholery not intended .