05-19-2019, 12:49 PM
(05-19-2019, 10:05 AM)Richard Wrote: DriftVery good sound to this poem. As billy said, it hints at some sadness - even darkness to me. I struggle with the final verse, as a silent goodbye means very little to me. I can't wrap around one single image. I can't settle on a waving hand, a mouthed 'goodbye', or just a look in their eyes. A few words might help to add some clarity there. Otherwise, very well executed, especially regarding word choice and line-breaks.
I use a metal shovel
because last week snow fell,
whimsically guided by the breeze,
but now, it is frozen on the ground. // fully good first verse
Inside, our son plays
with his imaginary friend
(we can't agree // a well placed line-break.
on how much to humour him).
You protect yourself beneath a quilt // "protect" gives a good set of potential meanings to this line
with a thread count you insisted on.
Your silent goodbye repeats in my head, // This is where I'd prefer a more concrete image - a silent goodbye that repeats sounds like a waving hand, but I'm left unsure
while winter wind reminds me
what must be done.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona

