First Edit: Drift
#3
(05-19-2019, 10:05 AM)Richard Wrote:  Drift

I use a metal shovel
because last week snow fell,
whimsically guided by the breeze,
but now, it is frozen on the ground.        // fully good first verse

Inside, our son plays
with his imaginary friend
(we can't agree          // a well placed line-break.
on how much to humour him).
You protect yourself beneath a quilt        // "protect" gives a good set of potential meanings to this line
with a thread count you insisted on.

Your silent goodbye repeats in my head,        // This is where I'd prefer a more concrete image - a silent goodbye that repeats sounds like a waving hand, but I'm left unsure
while winter wind reminds me 
what must be done.
Very good sound to this poem. As billy said, it hints at some sadness - even darkness to me. I struggle with the final verse, as a silent goodbye means very little to me. I can't wrap around one single image. I can't settle on a waving hand, a mouthed 'goodbye', or just a look in their eyes. A few words might help to add some clarity there. Otherwise, very well executed, especially regarding word choice and line-breaks.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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Messages In This Thread
First Edit: Drift - by Richard - 05-19-2019, 10:05 AM
RE: Drift - by billy - 05-19-2019, 12:20 PM
RE: Drift - by UselessBlueprint - 05-19-2019, 12:49 PM
RE: Drift - by cloud - 05-19-2019, 06:50 PM
RE: Drift - by Richard - 05-19-2019, 10:44 PM
RE: Drift - by Todd - 05-22-2019, 05:49 AM
RE: Drift - by Cbobgo - 05-23-2019, 11:05 PM
RE: First Edit: Drift - by Richard - 05-27-2019, 12:02 PM
RE: First Edit: Drift - by Todd - 05-30-2019, 03:46 AM
RE: First Edit: Drift - by Knot - 05-31-2019, 01:46 AM
RE: First Edit: Drift - by Matroz - 05-31-2019, 09:15 AM
RE: First Edit: Drift - by Richard - 06-10-2019, 05:35 AM



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