Fifth Edit: On a Day Like This

[Knot]

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Hi Richard,
like the idea behind the revision,
the 'last two winters' and 'plan in years'
are very strong additions, but now it
looks like in needs opening up.

On a Day Like This

I'm stuck, again, on what loneliness sounds like
[at some point, I think, you have to more clearly
explain why you're 'stuck']
- I remember houses like footprints in the snow,
[not enough here, and the snow/know ryhme's a bit intrusive]
silent, while I panted, chasing friends
[panted isn't motivation, why are you 'chasing' ?]
I no longer know; boots oversized
because they had to last two winters.
[excellent addition]
She, who used to always plan in years
[and again]
just stared at her last minutes,
[the idea works, the phrasing could be improved]
- what I should have said, lost.
[ending on 'lost' is too heavy handed]


Best, Knot.



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