Fifth Edit: On a Day Like This

[milo]

Hello Richard and thank you for posting this

On a Day Like This

The houses
are like footprints in snow.

I don't think "The Houses" holds it's own as a line.  I have pondered over this seemingly random break of a complete thought and I can't quite figure out why you did it.  The image of house as footprints is intellectually interesting but visually confusing to me.  It would be great if it was developed later in the poem so I could complete the metaphor but if it is, I never found it.

The draft against my skin
helps me
remember boots
I’ve lost,
following friends
I no longer know.

And I see you continue the practice of breaking up complete thoughts arbitrarily.  On the one hand, I like the thought of the breaks falling on important words, "skin, me, boots, lost, friends, know" but the overuse of them breaks the thought train so often it dilute the whole.

"helps me"
"I've lost"
"following friends"

These are, imo, terrible lines that need a lot of help.

"remember boots" makes me think momentarily that this is actually a poem about a lost kitten.

The winter wind sounds
like half forgotten loneliness,
chasing memories
of home.

This ending reads like teenage naff poetry. What does half forgotten loneliness sound like? How is it different from the sound of fully forgotten lonliness?  What about completely remembered lonliness?  I don't know what any of these sound like.  I do know what winter wind sounds like.  The trick is to compare something a reader doesn't know the sound of to something they do so they can share the experience but what you have done is compare something I do know the sound of to something I don't.

"chasing memories of home"

If this isn't a cliché let's please declare it one.

Regards

Third Edit:

On a Day Like This

the houses
are like footprints in the snow

the draft against my skin
helps me
remember the boots
i’ve lost
following friends
i no longer know

and the winter wind sounds
like loneliness
chasing half forgotten memories
of home

Second Edit:

On a Day Like This

The houses
are like footprints in the snow,
while a draft
lightly cools my skin,
helping me
to remember the boots
I’ve lost,
following friends
I no longer know,
and the winter wind sounds like loneliness,
chasing half forgotten memories
of home.


First Edit:

[i]On a Day Like This

[/i]the houses outside
are like footprints in the snow

feeling a draft
i remember the boots
i’ve lost
following friends
i no longer know

the winter wind
sounds like loneliness chasing my memories of home

Original:

On a Day Like This

on a day like this
the houses outside
are like footprints in the snow

on a day like this
feeling the draft
coming from the window
I remember the boots
I’ve lost
following friends
I no longer know

on a day like this
the winter wind
sounds like loneliness chasing half forgotten memories
of home

[/quote]