Fifth Edit: On a Day Like This

[Knot]

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Hi Richard,
like the mood of the piece, but
it seems to lack a little focus.

The houses
are like footprints in snow.
- agree with Alex about 'like'
(and that a descriptor would
improve the line),
maybe
leave their footprints in the snow
(to fit with 'following' and 'chasing') ?

The draft against my skin
- I think 'against my skin'
is implied (or else you need
to be a bit more specific
about which part of N's skin) -
but it does feel rather clichéd though.
helps me
remember boots
I’ve lost,
following friends
- I like the idea, but 'following'
seems a little weak.
I no longer know.

The winter wind sounds
- 'wind' after 'draft' seems
unnecessary. Just cut 'wind'.
like half forgotten loneliness,
chasing memories
of home.
'chasing memories of home'
seems a more interesting
variation on the 'following
friends' line. But if it's 'half
forgotten' then it's not as
poignant as it first appears,
is it?

I like the idea of the repetition
of the phrase 'on a day like this'
from the original, but you'd need
to rework S1 and S2.

On a day like this

the lines of houses
leave their footprints in the snow,
marching south.

and the draft that slips
through/between/beneath ...
....
...

On a day like this
the winter sounds
like loneliness chasing memories
of home.


Best, Knot.

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