Fifth Edit: On a Day Like This

[alonso ramoran]

Hey Richard,
This is a nice read. Some comments below.

On a Day Like This

The houses I feel like for this couplet, you could add a descriptor to "houses" and remove the "like", thus making it a metaphor. Just an idea.
are like footprints in snow.

The draft against my skin
helps me
remember boots
I’ve lost,
following friends
I no longer know.

The winter wind sounds A draft is already mentioned in the above stanza, and I would have thought that winter wind should come before the mentioning of a draft? To establish the season (if it already hasn't been already, which it has)? And the use of "draft" makes it seem like you were indoors in that second stanza; if you were, maybe you could rewrite instead as "winter draft", then omit the "winter" in "winter wind"; this could possibly leave a bit more space for you to experiment. Hope that makes sense.
like half forgotten loneliness, dash in half-forgotten?
chasing memories
of home.

Third Edit:

On a Day Like This

the houses
are like footprints in the snow

the draft against my skin
helps me
remember the boots
i’ve lost
following friends
i no longer know

and the winter wind sounds
like loneliness
chasing half forgotten memories
of home

Second Edit:

On a Day Like This

The houses
are like footprints in the snow,
while a draft
lightly cools my skin,
helping me
to remember the boots
I’ve lost,
following friends
I no longer know,
and the winter wind sounds like loneliness,
chasing half forgotten memories
of home.


First Edit:

[i]On a Day Like This

[/i]the houses outside
are like footprints in the snow

feeling a draft
i remember the boots
i’ve lost
following friends
i no longer know

the winter wind
sounds like loneliness chasing my memories of home

Original:

On a Day Like This

on a day like this
the houses outside
are like footprints in the snow

on a day like this
feeling the draft
coming from the window
I remember the boots
I’ve lost
following friends
I no longer know

on a day like this
the winter wind
sounds like loneliness chasing half forgotten memories
of home

Thanks for the read and good luck with the poetry reading,

Alex