01-29-2019, 10:41 PM
Hi Richard.
The revision is a bit hit and miss, for me. I wonder if sticking with
the short-ish lines is hampering the piece? There's a compelling
portrait in there somewhere but it seems crammed into too small a
space. I also think you've lost some of the better parts from the
original. So, a short cut and paste (in the 'food for thought' vein),
rather than a long explanation.
[She] paid in coins that skipped last Sunday's service,
at a dollar store [on *address*
a handful tripped and stumbled on the counter. Every penny
counted more than once.]
At home she measures twice [and pours ...]
That dirt disappears is just a side effect of her light-headedness.
[She mops, her devotions ...]
Each [unsatisfying?] thrust a push further away from their bedroom,
where, [despite the dark] he always closes his eyes, where she still [cries],
“Oh God!” at the [right] moment. Her prayers denied an amen.
[And when they talk] as the Pastor suggested, [about his day],
his job, [or, Heaven forbid, how she is, she wonders if he
even notices her raw-red hands or how] clean [are the] floors [?]
Best, Knot.
.
The revision is a bit hit and miss, for me. I wonder if sticking with
the short-ish lines is hampering the piece? There's a compelling
portrait in there somewhere but it seems crammed into too small a
space. I also think you've lost some of the better parts from the
original. So, a short cut and paste (in the 'food for thought' vein),
rather than a long explanation.
[She] paid in coins that skipped last Sunday's service,
at a dollar store [on *address*
a handful tripped and stumbled on the counter. Every penny
counted more than once.]
At home she measures twice [and pours ...]
That dirt disappears is just a side effect of her light-headedness.
[She mops, her devotions ...]
Each [unsatisfying?] thrust a push further away from their bedroom,
where, [despite the dark] he always closes his eyes, where she still [cries],
“Oh God!” at the [right] moment. Her prayers denied an amen.
[And when they talk] as the Pastor suggested, [about his day],
his job, [or, Heaven forbid, how she is, she wonders if he
even notices her raw-red hands or how] clean [are the] floors [?]
Best, Knot.
.