First Edit: Ghost Story

[Richard]

Ghost Story

I have seen those who use passion
like a poltergeist shakes its chain.

Their words fistless pounding,
impossible to ignore.
Their actions composed of blood
that eventually disappears.
Their motive a dead child
who wanders an empty hall
in search of heaven.

I have seen these phantoms
fade away in daylight,
only to haunt me again.

Ghost Story

I have seen those who exclaim passion
like a poltergeist shakes its chain.

Their words fistless pounding
one is best to ignore.
Their actions composed of blood
that eventually disappears.
Their motive a dead child
who wanders an empty hall
in search of heaven.

I have seen these phantoms
fade away in daylight,
never to haunt me again.

[vagabond]

Ghost Story

I have seen those who exclaim passion
like a poltergeist shakes its chain.       i thought a poltergeist shakes its chain mainly to frighten.. is that the comparison you intended?

Their words fistless pounding   "fistlessly"?         
one is best to ignore.                                       ...  why?
Their actions composed of blood         and how? and whose blood,"theirs" or "one"´s?
that eventually disappears.
Their motive a dead child                 can´t figure out that either, the 2 following lines fill the image but don´t make it clearer
who wanders an empty hall
in search of heaven.

I have seen these phantoms
fade away in daylight,
never to haunt me again.
 

maybe it would be stronger if you wrote "you " instead of "their" and
"I" instead of "one"

i find  meaning  in the first line and last 3 lines (and it´s interesting),
the other parts give me question marks.

[CRNDLSM]

Ghost Story

I have seen those who exclaim passion
like a poltergeist shakes its chain. From what I understand, it takes en exceptional amount of supernatural energy for a ghost to interact with the living.  The chain shaking brings to mind Scrooge which could be cliche or dampen the suspense

Their words fistless pounding word's works or restructure the sentencing to not want verbs, 
one is best to ignore. I don't like referring to people as one if I can't help it, and this might be too arguable an opinion, best to ignore
Their actions composed of blood
that eventually disappears.i like this one 
Their motive a dead child
who wanders an empty hall this one too
in search of heaven. Debatable with ghosts too, kinda dampens the suspense.  I really like comparing the passionate speakers with ghosts that come and go.  Just picturing month pythons Life Of Brian the square with the preachers shouting and the camera just pans past cause it's all just mumbo to the plot

I have seen these phantoms
fade away in daylight,
never to haunt me again. I don't like the last line, your memory relating this story is almost like they are still haunting you.

Don't know if it helps I'm trying to get back into critiquing and thought intensive would force the focus.

[Richard]

Hey vagabond and CRNDLSM,
Thanks for the feedback. This is one of those poems where I wrote it a couple of months ago, and thought it was brilliant at the time. Then I looked at it a couple of days ago and started to question it. I was very curious if readers would think the second stanza works, so I appreciate the comments about that. There will be an edit for this at some point.

Thanks again,
Richard

[ellajam]

Hi, Richard, I found this, sharp, cutting in an interesting way.

Ghost Story

I have seen those who exclaim passion
like a poltergeist shakes its chain. Strong opening, for me the ranter who spouts passionately but in fact ends with little impact and questionable purpose.

Their words fistless pounding
one is best to ignore. I'd prefer you add the verb between words and fistless, either the simple "are" which would allow a comma or semicolon and apply to actions/composed also, or some thing that adds, like "land as"
or something better. I like the way fistless pounding reinforces the opening.
Their actions composed of blood
that eventually disappears. Brought to mind disappearing ink, or deleted posts.
Their motive a dead child
who wanders an empty hall
in search of heaven. Strong lines for me, the crux of the poem, an aim for heartless damage.

I have seen these phantoms
fade away in daylight,
never to haunt me again. I like the way the ending sends them up in smoke, all the thrashing coming to naught.

Fun read for me, good luck with it.

[Richard]

Hey ellajam,
Thanks for the feedback and kind words. I was thinking about gutting this one, but what you said made me consider just tweaking it instead.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I decided to revisit this poem. I didn't make a ton of changes, but feel free to let me know if it's a step in the right direction. I don't know why, but I've felt like going back to revisiting some of my older poems lately.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[homer1950]

Ghost Story

I have seen those who use passion
like a poltergeist shakes its chain.

Their words fistless pounding,
impossible to ignore.
Their actions composed of blood
that eventually disappears.
Their motive a dead child
who wanders an empty hall
in search of heaven.

I have seen these phantoms
fade away in daylight,
only to haunt me again.



Ghost Story

I’ve seen those- 
who use passion 
like a poltergeist 
shakes its chain. 

Their words-
fistless pounding
best to ignore.

Their actions-
composed of 
disappearing blood

Their motive-
a dead child
a disembodied soul
who wanders an empty hall
in search of heaven.

My prayers-
come daylight
these phantoms
fade away 
and haunt me no
more...

[/pre verse]

Richard loved the theme perhaps it needs some contrast for tension’s sake them vs you. Thank you for sharing your fine work. Homer

[Richard]

Hey Homer,
Thanks for the feedback and kind words. Will give the idea of adding some tension some thought.

Thanks again,
Richard

[billy]

while it's an okay read richard, for me it needs more depth. it feels wordy at present, [i think you could shave a lot off it and add more tension.

Ghost Story

I have seen those who use passion
like a poltergeist shakes its chain. a suggestion would be to pluralise poltergeists. [like poltergeists shaking chains] as it is you have a those juxtaposed with an it.

Their words fistless pounding,
impossible to ignore.
Their actions composed of blood
that eventually disappears.
Their motive a dead child
who wanders an empty hall
in search of heaven.

I have seen these phantoms
fade away in daylight,
only to haunt me again.

Ghost Story

I have seen those who exclaim passion
like a poltergeist shakes its chain.

Their words fistless pounding
one is best to ignore.
Their actions composed of blood
that eventually disappears.
Their motive a dead child
who wanders an empty hall
in search of heaven.

I have seen these phantoms
fade away in daylight,
never to haunt me again.

[Richard]

Hey billy,
Thanks for the feedback. I guess adding some more tension would make it live up to the title better. Need to give this some thought.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Knot]

.
Hi Richard.

This one doesn't work for me I'm afraid.
It doesn't seem to be long enough to develop
the rhythm promised by the opening nor does
it build to a satisfying crescendo, and
despite the ending, there's little sign of
anything impacting on N.

S1 - I can't disassociate this from Jacob Marley.
(and shouldn't it be plural? Their chains?

S2 - 'fistless', lost here. Seem to suggest something
similar to 'an empty gesture' but then they're
'impossible to ignore'.
'eventually disappears' seems very mundane after
'blood'.
'their motive', spelling it out weakens it. Can you
rework so it becomes figurative?

S3 - this I do like, but it is obviously just a fragment.
I have seen these phantoms
[which] fade away in [day's light],
only [to return *when* ]
to haunt me again.

Best, Knot.

.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. Giving this one some thought before revisiting it.

Thanks again,
Richard

[billy]

Ghost Story

I have seen those who use passion
like a poltergeist shakes its chain.

Their words fistless pounding,
impossible to ignore. much better with impossible
Their actions composed of blood
that eventually disappears.
Their motive a dead child
who wanders an empty hall
in search of heaven.

I have seen these phantoms
fade away in daylight,
only to haunt me again. this opposite take make a big difference

Ghost Story

I have seen those who exclaim passion
like a poltergeist shakes its chain.

Their words fistless pounding
one is best to ignore.
Their actions composed of blood
that eventually disappears.
Their motive a dead child
who wanders an empty hall
in search of heaven.

I have seen these phantoms
fade away in daylight,
never to haunt me again.

[rowens]

Ghost Story

I have seen those who use passion
like a poltergeist shakes its chain. 


I had to think a while about the chain. It's an interesting idea. I know ghosts and chains. But poltergeists and chains, that; well is that your point? 

Their words fistless pounding,
impossible to ignore.

It almost blends into this statement. But still not yet. 

Their actions composed of blood
that eventually disappears.


And this is the next vague moment. 

Their motive a dead child
who wanders an empty hall
in search of heaven.

I have seen these phantoms
fade away in daylight,
only to haunt me again. 


The point comes across. But your ghosts have connotations that aren't being considered. I mean your ghostly nouns. And the point is, somehow, not sharp.

[Richard]

Hey rowens,
Thanks for the feedback. I need to give this one some thought before attempting another edit. Might gut it, or night not, need to think.

Thanks again,
Richard

[ing4]

Hi Richard,

I think there's a really neat concept behind this poem, it just hasn't fully found itself yet. I hope you don't choose to gut it, though, because I really do love this image of the poltergeist and the chain -- I think at minimum this is an image that could find its way into another poem.

There are a lot of phrases I like: "like a poltergeist shakes its chain," "fistless pounding," "their motive a dead child." Some other parts feel too wordy and space-filling ("impossible to ignore," "composed of blood that eventually disappears") or a little bit treacle-y ("who wanders an empty hall in search of heaven"). The central image of the poem is very compelling to me, but then the poem itself seems to be stretching the image without really adding more. I'd be interested in seeing the "basis" of the poem expanded -- maybe it could become more of a narrative, as one idea for a direction if you wanted to keep going with this?

Best,
ing4

[Richard]

Hey ing4,
Thanks for your feedback. I actually got distracted by another poem, so this one might sit for a bit before I revisit it. I like your idea of focusing on the "basis" and going from there.

Thanks again,
Richard