Seasons and Spirits

[Knot]

Hi River,

I can feel the heat of summer
- is there anything better than 'heat'?
(It's implied by 'summer' and, given
the rest of the imagery you employ,
it seems rather flat.)
swinging with your every gesture.
Writhing on your swollen nest
are my fingers, wine-stained serpents.
- I think you might consider switching
the order of L3/4, as in
These fingers, wine-stained serpents,
writing on your swollen nest.

Smells of freshly drafted cider
ripple from your girt and navel.
Spirits blue with autumn's bite
stalk to steal our love away.
- I really don't think 'drafted' works,
I've never heard it used in that sense
(when 'pulled' or 'poured' would be
more usual/clear) and it's a bit
intrusive as a consequence.

Blossoming flames and heady beer
refill your bosom with hot blood.
- 'refill your bosom' doesn't work
at all well. The metaphor seems
very laboured.
The fearless rhythm of our love
blushes the winter blind beyond.
- 'blush' seems a weak reaction after
'fearless' (and 'beyond' seems out of
place) - Could the 'rhythm' be 'breaking
the ice of winter' Or similar?

You're wearing gaudy chintz again:
honeybees waltz to your spring figure.
- I don't think these lines are an
improvement on the previous version.
A glen of cherry cordial lies
dreaming sweetly in our cellar.
- these two lines could almost fit
between S1 and S2 (it seems to me)
and then, if you could come up with
a strong fourth line for S2 you might
end the piece there.

Best, Knot.