Our feet are clumsy, borne on glitter glue
and sapped by views of vicious dragons made
from crayon wax, and we can't draw the blade
our feral God with strong conviction drew.
We flee and wander, lost and spellbound, through
the woods, disbanding slowly in the shade
of purple oaks and bushes. Though afraid,
we find adventure truest when we're new.
God hunches, groans, and gusts a golden veil
from off the footprints we have scoured for
then learned to step as one and trust our eyes.
We thwarted thieves, imbibed the blackest ale
with gnomes and ghostly knights, and now we soar,
on crayon dragonback, beyond the skies.
Edit 2: Beginners
Our feet are clumsy, borne on glitter glue
and sapped by views of vicious dragons made
from crayon wax, and we can't draw the blade
our feral god with strong conviction drew.
We flee and wander, lost and spellbound, through
the woods, disbanding slowly in the shade
of purple oaks and bushes. Though afraid,
we find adventure truest when we're new.
God hunches, groans, and gusts a golden veil
from off the footprints we've been searching for
to learn to step as one and trust our eyes.
We thwarted thieves, imbibed the blackest ale
with gnomes and ghostly knights, and now we soar,
on crayon dragonback, beyond the skies.
Edit 1: Beginners
Our feet are clumsy, borne on glitter glue
and sapped by views of vicious dragons made
from crayon wax, and we can't draw the blade
our feral god with strong conviction drew.
We flee and wander, lost and spellbound, through
the woods, disbanding slowly in the shade
of purple oaks and bushes. Though afraid,
this is adventure when it is most true.
God hunches, groans, and gusts a golden veil
off from our footprints, leading us to where
we learned to step as one and trust our eyes.
We thwarted thieves, imbibed the darkest ale
with gnomes and ghostly knights, and now we tear,
on crayon dragonback, beyond the skies.
Original: Beginners
Our feet are clumsy, borne on glitter glue
and sapped by views of vicious dragons made
from crayon wax, and we can't draw the blade
our feral god with strong conviction drew.
We flee and wander, lost and spellbound, through
the woods, disbanding slowly in the shade
of purple oaks and bushes. Though afraid,
this is adventure when it is most true.
God hunches, groans, and there’s a golden veil
blown from our footprints, leading us to where
we learned to step as one and trust our eyes.
We thwarted thieves, imbibed the finest ale
with gnomes and ghostly knights, and now we tear,
on crayon dragonback, beyond the skies.
Hi Alexorande
The childlike world we are dropped in works well and moves along with some excellent images the though that our early experiences are the truest, really appeals to me and I like how you lift the veil of innocense in the second stanza whilst maintaining the mythical world. a slight drift on the count in L5 but a solid poem that I was carried by and invested in.
(11-15-2018, 04:11 AM)alexorande Wrote: Beginners
Our feet are clumsy, borne on glitter glue Born? strong opening I like the feel of child creativity
and sapped by views of vicious dragons made
from crayon wax, and we can't draw the blade
our feral god with strong conviction drew.
We flee and wander, lost and spellbound, through The count goes out here but solid images
the woods, disbanding slowly in the shade
of purple oaks and bushes. Though afraid,
this is adventure when it is most true. I stummbled here on the This is, just me maybe, wait for others
God hunches, groans, and there’s a golden veil
blown from our footprints, leading us to where
we learned to step as one and trust our eyes. I ejoyed this sequence a comming of age, no longer a beginner
We thwarted thieves, imbibed the finest ale
with gnomes and ghostly knights, and now we tear,
on crayon dragonback, beyond the skies. I like the expanse in the close almost like flying
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
good to see your poetry alex. some great imagery and i do like some of the en-jambs you have going on. i'm reading the piece as a metaphorical beginning for life [humankind]. sorry if i should've read it differently. reads as a solid sonnet. the rhyme scheme works well, not sure if the couplet should be a rhyming one, leanne's the one who'd know about that. all in all it's an enjoyable read.
(11-15-2018, 04:11 AM)alexorande Wrote: Beginners
Our feet are clumsy, borne on glitter glue good alliteration. great opening line, i'm taking born as being carried and not a birth
and sapped by views of vicious dragons made another solid image and alliteration.
from crayon wax, and we can't draw the blade the enjambment of this line and the one above works well.
our feral god with strong conviction drew. what feral god?
We flee and wander, lost and spellbound, through
the woods, disbanding slowly in the shade this and the line above are excellent, good en-jamb
of purple oaks and bushes. Though afraid,
this is adventure when it is most true. [when it is most true] feels forced in order to make up the meter.
God hunches, groans, and there’s a golden veil
blown from our footprints, leading us to where i like the en-jamb here, it ends as a question but ends as a statement
we learned to step as one and trust our eyes.
We thwarted thieves, imbibed the finest ale
with gnomes and ghostly knights, and now we tear,
on crayon dragonback, beyond the skies. would dragon-back work better,
Thanks for the feedback. Borne was used as in carried but the allusion to birth was intentional. Dragonback could work as dragon-back but I like the look of dragonback better; it’s written like horseback would be written. If this is wrong and you don’t like the way it looks then I’d like to hear.
As far as who’s the feral god, well, the god is just the being who created this world for the adventurers to live in.
The final line of the octave is a little clumsy with the feet, isnt it?
I’ll see how I can fix my beginner’s mistakes
Seriously though I’ll see what I can do. Again, thanks for the feedback guys
hi alex, i take what i said about the couplet back. after a bit of searching i found out that this is a Petrarchan Sonnet's rhyme scheme. for some reason i was only thinking of a Spenserian one.
(11-16-2018, 12:26 AM)alexorande Wrote: Hey Keith & billy,
Thanks for the feedback. Borne was used as in carried but the allusion to birth was intentional. Dragonback could work as dragon-back but I like the look of dragonback better; it’s written like horseback would be written. If this is wrong and you don’t like the way it looks then I’d like to hear.
As far as who’s the feral god, well, the god is just the being who created this world for the adventurers to live in.
The final line of the octave is a little clumsy with the feet, isnt it?
I’ll see how I can fix my beginner’s mistakes
Seriously though I’ll see what I can do. Again, thanks for the feedback guys
Made some minor changes. Still stuck on how to fix the "where" and "tear" rhymes and rearrange the meter on L8, so any suggestions on that front would be of big help. Otherwise, I'd also like to hear your thoughts on the current changes I made and any other issues you might have as well.
Our feet are clumsy, borne on glitter glue
and sapped by views of vicious dragons made
from crayon wax, and we can't draw the blade
our feral god with strong conviction drew.
We flee and wander, lost and spellbound, through
the woods, disbanding slowly in the shade
of purple oaks and bushes. Though afraid,
this is adventure when it is most true. the meters okay though the syntax at the end of the line could be better. a suggestion would be [this is adventure; at it's best is true]
God hunches, groans, and gusts a golden veil
off from our footprints, leading us to where
we learned to step as one and trust our eyes.
We thwarted thieves, imbibed the darkest ale
with gnomes and ghostly knights, and now we tear, [and now we rear] a suggestion.
on crayon dragonback, beyond the skies.
Original: Beginners
Our feet are clumsy, borne on glitter glue
and sapped by views of vicious dragons made
from crayon wax, and we can't draw the blade
our feral god with strong conviction drew.
We flee and wander, lost and spellbound, through
the woods, disbanding slowly in the shade
of purple oaks and bushes. Though afraid,
this is adventure when it is most true.
God hunches, groans, and there’s a golden veil
blown from our footprints, leading us to where
we learned to step as one and trust our eyes.
We thwarted thieves, imbibed the finest ale
with gnomes and ghostly knights, and now we tear,
on crayon dragonback, beyond the skies.
i think your edit has tightened it up, soar for me works better as does the last line of the octet. all in all i think you've created a good example of a Petrarchan Sonnet
(11-15-2018, 04:11 AM)alexorande Wrote: Beginners
Our feet are clumsy, borne on glitter glue
and sapped by views of vicious dragons made
from crayon wax, and we can't draw the blade
our feral god with strong conviction drew.
We flee and wander, lost and spellbound, through
the woods, disbanding slowly in the shade
of purple oaks and bushes. Though afraid,
we find adventure truest when we're new. this line reads much better now
God hunches, groans, and gusts a golden veil
from off the footprints we've been searching for
to learn to step as one and trust our eyes.
We thwarted thieves, imbibed the blackest ale
with gnomes and ghostly knights, and now we soar,
on crayon dragonback, beyond the skies.
Edit 1: Beginners
Our feet are clumsy, borne on glitter glue
and sapped by views of vicious dragons made
from crayon wax, and we can't draw the blade
our feral god with strong conviction drew.
We flee and wander, lost and spellbound, through
the woods, disbanding slowly in the shade
of purple oaks and bushes. Though afraid,
this is adventure when it is most true.
God hunches, groans, and gusts a golden veil
off from our footprints, leading us to where
we learned to step as one and trust our eyes.
We thwarted thieves, imbibed the darkest ale
with gnomes and ghostly knights, and now we tear,
on crayon dragonback, beyond the skies.
Original: Beginners
Our feet are clumsy, borne on glitter glue
and sapped by views of vicious dragons made
from crayon wax, and we can't draw the blade
our feral god with strong conviction drew.
We flee and wander, lost and spellbound, through
the woods, disbanding slowly in the shade
of purple oaks and bushes. Though afraid,
this is adventure when it is most true.
God hunches, groans, and there’s a golden veil
blown from our footprints, leading us to where
we learned to step as one and trust our eyes.
We thwarted thieves, imbibed the finest ale
with gnomes and ghostly knights, and now we tear,
on crayon dragonback, beyond the skies.
