Seasons and Spirits

[Knot]

Hi River,
the latest revision seems to me
a big improvement (though the
title's starting to look a little
flat in comparision)
'Wine stained serpents' is the
standout line for me.

Would suggest reworking S1
to have 'Summer' in L3 (to match
the seasons in S2 and S3.
Perhaps something like
I can feel the heat swinging
with your every gesture.
Summer, writhing on your swollen nest,
my fingers, wine-stained serpents.

Likewise, swap/rework L2/3
in S4 (to move 'spring' to L3)

Do you mean 'pressed' or 'pulled'
for 'drafted'?
'the scent' rather than 'this scent'.
Agree with billy about 'supple'
(make little sense to me).

Maybe
Blossom aflame and heady beer
or
Blossom's aflame and heady beer
and
refil your breast with hot [x] blood

'disply' seems a bit discordant.


Best, Knot.


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