12-29-2018, 03:47 PM
Your edits keep getting more elegant notch!
Any edit I add is purely out of my taste for fluency in wording, just semantics; please cherrypick my revisions to your liking.
In regards to the piece, I sense the attitude operates out of a place of lust which construes an organic love & beauty from nature if not integrated carefully. Perhaps a more direct approach could establish a better connection, if that makes sense.
Pablo Neruda is a master at balancing lust with nature, and he did so without relying on possessive adjectives such as 'your'.
Any edit I add is purely out of my taste for fluency in wording, just semantics; please cherrypick my revisions to your liking.
In regards to the piece, I sense the attitude operates out of a place of lust which construes an organic love & beauty from nature if not integrated carefully. Perhaps a more direct approach could establish a better connection, if that makes sense.
Pablo Neruda is a master at balancing lust with nature, and he did so without relying on possessive adjectives such as 'your'.
(01-24-2015, 01:09 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: I can feel the summer heat
swinging with your every gesture.
your swollen nest
Writhing on,
my fingers become wine-stained serpents.
Smells of freshly drafted cider } imo this stanza isn't necessary, youth aspect needs a better execution to stick
ripple from your supple navel.
Spirits blue with autumn's bite
follow this a scent to steal connected with our youth.
Blossoming flames and heady out of/made from gold/beer
refills your bosom with hot blood.
The rhythm of our winter love
blushes dances silver blind lines(?) beyond.
Your old sundress on display: // the sun dresses/marinates in your frame } just something without starting with 'your'
spring's honeyed musk returning.
A glen of cherry cordial lies
dreaming sweetly in our cellar.
Old edits:
assholery not intended .

