Travel Costs

[Knot]

Hi Richard.

It's a very engaging piece, determinedly low-key
and a terrific ending. Just a couple of thoughts
about tightening it up (further).

Travel Costs
- not entirely convinced by the title
(it's serviceable, but the ending deserves
better I think).

He used to be her weekend
getaway: hand-me-down sheets
wet as rain drenched map[s],
dandruff napping on [modifier] pillows,
lights dim but bright enough
to admire crooked penis[,] misshapen
breasts, the directions on the back
of a [box of] condoms[,] unread.

[Today], an eight hour drive
puts her to [sleep?], he lies alone,
old blanket tacked over his window-
darkness a more familiar destination
than it should be.


I think 'napping' should match tenses
with 'drenched' (maybe 'spilt' ? Though
'napped' has a homonym which suggests
flakes, and it pairs nicely with 'tacked').

Any alternative to 'admire', it doesn't seem
sufficiently 'charged' enough?

Is it 'his window' or 'the window'?


Good stuff.


Regards, Not.