Only the dead can die

[Knot]

Hi Keith,
strong idea and some very nice images.
Needs tightening though (I think).

Only the dead can die
- Bit Mickey Spillane?
(Maybe 'Stricken' ?)

As we cough cold into the forest[']s
pale cascket, the burning cloak
- strong opening
of sunlight is taken down,
- not sure that 'is taken down' works
(with 'burning cloak')
empty streets keep us fireside.
- this doesn't quite work for me.
Why would 'emptiness' keep one 'fireside'?

Snowfall beckons a lonely child
- would it work to change 'lonely'
to 'only'? Or is there a more 'showing'
alternative than 'lonely'?
to follow a ball into the road,
- In the UK we'd say 'into' so this
works for me.
the crunch and soft thud, laid still
- this is a rather weak line I think,
crunch works, but 'soft thud, laid still'
lacks 'impact' as it were.
Not a serious suggestion but
the crunch and falling stillness
as temperatures drop.
Do you need this. If the temperature drops
the snow stops, yes?
(Maybe something along the lines of
playtimes over?)

Frozen mourners gather mist on funeral days,
- like 'mourners gather mist', but 'frozen' is
a bit flat and 'on funeral days' is redundant, though
it might make a better title.
(Could mourners be 'frost clad' or something?)
sharp black trees carry distant crow calls
- 'carry' by virtue of the crows sitting in them?
around hard graves, weathervains only watch
- why 'around'? (Is there a comma missing
after 'calls'?)
as church-bells warn the town.
- not a good ending I think. I'd suggest either
returning to the falling snow or the burning cloak.

Just a suggestion:

Snowfall beckons a lonely child
to follow a ball into the road,
the crunch and soft thud, laid still
as temperatures drop.

we cough cold into the forests
pale cascket, the burning cloak
of sunlight is taken down, Frozen
mourners gather mist

black trees distant crow
weathervains only watch
as church-bells warn the town.
empty streets keep us fireside.

(Though almost any order seems
to produce something interesting)



Best, Knot.


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