Greg's grebe (v.g)

[billy]

if i were to mention anything it would be nitpicking. really good solid edits this last one finishes it off for me, well done.

3rd EDIT

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
endless displays of paper dolls
joined at hands and feet,
correctly coloured in.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to shorten
and hide in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake
through clouds

:>)

2nd EDIT:

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
endless displays of paper dolls
joined at hands and feet,
correctly coloured in.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to shorten
and to hide in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds

:>)


1st EDIT:

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
miles-long displays of paper dolls,
arms and legs splayed invitingly,
bodies well detailed.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and to dress
in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds.

:>)


Original:

Throughout high dosage,
his subject was
sexual conquests –

miles-long displays of paper dolls,
explicitly coloured,
arms joined. lovely image

But as medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and today,
at just 5 milligrams,
he presents a grebe –

a single little grebe,
making its way
across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds

[Ally]

Thanks, Billy :-) :>)

[Richard]

Hey Ally,
I've been looking this over through the edits and various critiques. I think you've improved this quite a bit from the original. I do have some thoughts though:

3rd EDIT

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage – -This first stanza is effective because it draws me, and makes me want to know where this poem is going.
 
endless displays of paper dolls
joined at hands and feet,
correctly coloured in. -I like the imagery here. To me, the first two stanzas create such a strange image in my mind that I can't help but like it.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to shorten
and hide in bird-print robes, -This stanza does a good job of building to the image of the grebe.
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe – This is my biggest issue with the poem. Why "Greg"? Is there some sort of special meaning to this name that I'm missing? I would just say "he" instead.
 
a little grebe, -The grebe is an important image for the poem. However, I don't know if it warrants the use of repetition. Maybe think about combining these two stanzas and merging this line with the previous one? I'd be happier with the repetition if you used a stronger word than "little" to describe the grebe.
sailing across a lake
through clouds

:>)

2nd EDIT:

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
endless displays of paper dolls
joined at hands and feet,
correctly coloured in.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to shorten
and to hide in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds

:>)


1st EDIT:

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
miles-long displays of paper dolls,
arms and legs splayed invitingly,
bodies well detailed.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and to dress
in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds.

:>)


Original:

Throughout high dosage,
his subject was
sexual conquests –

miles-long displays of paper dolls,
explicitly coloured,
arms joined. lovely image

But as medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and today,
at just 5 milligrams,
he presents a grebe –

a single little grebe,
making its way
across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds

Overall, I think you have done well working on this piece, and I look forward seeing where you go from here with it.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

[Ally]

Hi Richard,

Thanks for your comments :-)

Unfortunately, I shan't be able to go anywhere with this for a while, due to work stuff. I've just been told I have to look after a number of interns! Well, I don't mind that, because I like looking after young people. Anyway, I'll see if I can find time over the weekend.

Best wishes,
Ally

[Ally]

Sorry about the delay, Richard.

I've just posted a new version, 'v.g.' because the grebe thinks it's 'very good'. The little grebe is a species of grebe, quite distinct from the great crested grebe, for example. I like grebes :-) :>)

Best wishes,
Ally

[Richard]

Hey Ally,
This seems more concise than your last version, and I think it's just about done. The only question I think you need to deal with now is, are you happy with it? Anything else I could add would just be nitpicking now.

Nice work,
Richard

4th EDIT

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
endless displays of paper dolls
joined at hands and feet,
correctly coloured in.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to shorten
and hide in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
he presents a little grebe
sailing across a lake
through clouds

:>)

3rd EDIT

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
endless displays of paper dolls
joined at hands and feet,
correctly coloured in.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to shorten
and hide in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake
through clouds

:>)


2nd EDIT:

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
endless displays of paper dolls
joined at hands and feet,
correctly coloured in.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to shorten
and to hide in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds

:>)


1st EDIT:

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
miles-long displays of paper dolls,
arms and legs splayed invitingly,
bodies well detailed.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and to dress
in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds.

:>)


Original:

Throughout high dosage,
his subject was
sexual conquests –

miles-long displays of paper dolls,
explicitly coloured,
arms joined. lovely image

But as medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and today,
at just 5 milligrams,
he presents a grebe –

a single little grebe,
making its way
across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds

[Ally]

Hi Richard,

Sorry; delay again. Thanks for your additional comment. Yes, 'v.g.' is more concise and I'm happy you think it's pretty much there. It's my favourite version, not that I'm the best judge of anything, hehe.

To be honest, I'm probably not a very good workshopper because the bit I like most about poetry is writing it, even if it's rubbish (sometimes, especially if it's rubbish). I think that's because I have so many writing rules to observe in my day jobs, so out of office hours I just want to throw a party, if that makes sense. Anyway, thanks again; it's all appreciated.

Best wishes,
Ally

PS: I know I've got catching up to do with offering critique (such as it is), and I'm hoping to get on with that soon :-)