10-27-2018, 02:58 PM
hi richard, for a poem about concrete steps it's a good one. that said, it's a poem about concrete steps. while the first stanza feels a little weak i think it could be lifted with a change to L3 so could the last line. a few words could be removed and thereby strengthen the piece. thanks for the read.
(10-27-2018, 12:03 PM)Richard Wrote: Cracks from familiar feet
worsen with every step,
but go unnoticed each day. feels weak no suggestion other than try and turn it into an image.
Snow settles in corners, crevices,
pushed there by a wind
that used to give comfort.
Somehow even grey fades, no need for somehow
yet still solid against ungrateful no need for yet
backsides, who'll curse the ice. i think this is the best stanza of poem, it's relatable
No one listens to that language
of chipped surfaces; deterioration
too easily left behind. again, this line would improve the poem if it were an image.