Cold Concrete Steps                                                                                                             
                                                                                
                                                                                                              Hurried
                                                                                                    from fear of being late,
                                                                                          cracks whisper
                                                                                to familiar feet.
                                                                      Grey muted
                                                            by storm clouds,
                                                  snow quietly settles
                                        into corners, crevices.
                              No one listens to that language
                    of chipped surfaces,
          hurried from fear
of being late.

hi richard, for a poem about concrete steps it's a good one. that said, it's a poem about concrete steps. while the first stanza feels a little weak i think it could be lifted with a change to L3 so could the last line. a few words could be removed and thereby strengthen the piece. thanks for the read.

(10-27-2018, 12:03 PM)Richard Wrote:  Cracks from familiar feet
worsen with every step,
but go unnoticed each day. feels weak no suggestion other than try and turn it into an image.

Snow settles in corners, crevices,
pushed there by a wind
that used to give comfort.

Somehow even grey fades, no need for somehow
yet still solid against ungrateful no need for yet
backsides, who'll curse the ice. i think this is the best stanza of poem, it's relatable

No one listens to that language
of chipped surfaces; deterioration
too easily left behind. again, this line would improve the poem if it were an image.

Hey billy,
Thanks for the feedback. After I wrote this, even I was thinking to myself that I can't believe I just wrote a poem about concrete steps. I was really curious to see what people would say about it though. I agree that some images would help make this one stronger.

Thanks again,
Richard

Hi Richard,
I'm broadly in agreement with billy,
though, for me 'backsides' confuses the
issue. Can't see how they relate to steps.
Just a suggestion:

Even grey fades, [but remains]
solid still, who'll curse the ice?            - don't get this at all

Unnoticed, cracks
worsen with every step.                      - maybe find an alternative to 'step' given the title?

No one listens to that
language of chipped surfaces;

deterioration
too easily left behind.


Best, Knot.

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. I need to give this one some thought.

Thanks again,
Richard

Hello Richard - I liked it that the poem was simple and brief. Some observations below:

(10-27-2018, 12:03 PM)Richard Wrote:  Cracks from familiar feet
worsen with every step,    .... I think something more concrete, pardon the pun, instead of the abstract “worsen” might be more suitable 
but go unnoticed each day.

Snow settles in corners, crevices,
pushed there by a wind
that used to give comfort.   ....not sure who the comfort was being given to. I’d assume not the corners and crevices, in which case this observation on what the wind used to do detracts from the unity of the poem

Somehow even grey fades,
yet still solid against ungrateful
backsides, who'll curse the ice. ....I didn’t understand this strophe. Is the “grey” a defence to some form of ice?

No one listens to that language
of chipped surfaces; deterioration
too easily left behind.     ..... the conclusion is nice and consistent with the preceding content, but because there’s not a lot of hearing and listening going on previously (except I imagine the howling of the wind), the “language” of chipped surfaces is a weak metaphor. 

Hey Busker,
Thanks for the feedback. The third stanza seems problematic, and I like what you said about the metaphor at the end. I need to give this some more thought.

Thanks again,
Richard

(10-27-2018, 12:03 PM)Richard Wrote:  Cracks from familiar feet                           
worsen with every step,                  I don't like "worsen": can you say something like, "every dropping step"
but go unnoticed each day.                 here a metaphor for incremental degradation could be utilized
                                                      or something like: "each escaping day" 
Snow settles in corners, crevices,
pushed there by a wind
that used to give comfort.                show how this may have given comfort; follow "comfort" with "inspired" 
                                                   inspired comfort
Somehow even grey fades,
yet still solid against ungrateful            solid against unbecoming
backsides, who'll curse the ice.              i like "ungrateful" .  can you use the word to describe the ice, so.............
                                                        who'll curse the ungrateful ice.  then refer, line 2, stanza 3, 
No one listens to that language              can you say............ quiet language or forgotten language  
of chipped surfaces; deterioration
too easily left behind.

The poem is very intentional and leads coherently towards a direct conclusion.  Impressive and also subtle and nuanced.

Hey Thunderembargo,
Thanks for the feedback. I actually am very close to an edit on this, but I will look it over and consider what you said before posting.

Thanks again,
Richard

Hey all,
I decided to experiment a bit with the edit of this poem. Feel free to let me know what you think.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

i'll say what i have to here so i don't screw the image up. first off i like that you've turned it into a concrete poem now it really matches the title. not sure [from is needed in L2, i'd put a comma after grey on L5. i'd put a period after Clouds on L6. i can see what you're doing with the last two line but it feels a little weak for me. a suggestion would to substitute worn for hurried. [just an idea to use or leave as you wish].
i like the way the poem feels a lot tighter, [less waste.] the concrete image is nigh on perfect. i won't suggest making each step the same visual length as i would be a twat if i did 100% better and one of the better first edits i've seen for a good while. well done.

(10-27-2018, 12:03 PM)Richard Wrote:  Cold Concrete Steps                                                                                                             
                                                                                
                                                                                                              Hurried
                                                                                                    from fear of being late,
                                                                                          cracks whisper
                                                                                to familiar feet.
                                                                      Grey muted
                                                            by storm clouds,
                                                  snow quietly settles
                                        into corners, crevices.
                              No one listens to that language
                    of chipped surfaces,
          hurried from fear
of being late.

Original:

Cracks from familiar feet
worsen with every step,
but go unnoticed each day.

Snow settles in corners, crevices,
pushed there by a wind
that used to give comfort.

Somehow even grey fades,
yet still solid against ungrateful
backsides, who'll curse the ice.

No one listens to that language
of chipped surfaces; deterioration
too easily left behind.

Hi Richard,
like the revision and new layout (though the position of the title looks very odd
and it makes me want to read from left to right).
You might consider removing all punctuation and capital letters, the former seem
a little intrusive, visually, and I think it works fine without the latter.
(I think billy has a point about trying to make the lines of even length,
and there does seem to be a need for symmetry between 'top' and 'bottom')

Just a suggestion:
......................................................Concrete Steps

.............................................................................................................hurried
...................................................................................................fear of being late
.........................................................................................cracks whisper
...............................................................................familiar feet
......................................................................muted grey
............................................................storm clouds
..................................................snow settles
........................................corners crevices
..............................no one listens
....................to chipped surfaces
..........from fear
of being late

You might cut the last three lines, the repetition doesn't offer much
(and it probably should be 'for fear of' anyway), and 'no one listens'
makes for a stronger close, I think.

Best, Knot.

PS. Purely for my own curiosity (to see if it could be made to work
ascending/descending)

......................................................Concrete Steps

...........................................................................................no one listens
.................................................................................corners crevices
.......................................................................snow settles
.............................................................storm clouds
...................................................muted grey
.........................................familiar feet
...............................cracks whisper
....................fear of being late
..........hurried

Hey Billy and Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. I was really curious about what people thought about turning it into a concrete poem, so I'm glad to hear that wasn't a failed experiment. I will give the punctuation some thought.

Thanks again,
Richard