First Edit: The Solvent Blues/Solvent

[Knot]

Hi Richard,
promising start.

The Solvent Blues
Not that keen on the title,
Blues suggests a rhythm
that is lacking in the piece.
Why not 'Insolvent'?

Bought at the dollar store,
but that clear golden liquid
cost more than a dollar.
- I think you could cut this entirely,
it offers little and leads nowhere.

Measured twice to safeguard
against the correct amount,
her eyes are finally allowed
to tear up. Water turns murky
from soap and bubble-
the mop quiet as a nun
waiting for a priest.
- it's a nice image, but then
it just stops.
Fake pine smell sweeter
than a Christmas tree;
disappearing dirt a side effect
of her light headedness.
- I agree with mercedes about the
comparisons/short words.
Just a suggestion:

Mop quiet as a nun awaiting
her priest. Soap and bubble,
that dirt disappears
is a side effect of her light
headedness.

Measured twice, safeguard
against the correct amount,
eyes, allowed to tear up,
finally.

- I think you need to return to
the 'nun' image to begin this verse.
Each thrust a push further
- I can see why you use 'thrust'
but is it really the right/best word?
from their bedroom, where
he closes his eyes, even in the dark,
where she still exclaims, “Oh God!”
at the proper moment.

Her prayers are always denied an amen.
- don't see why this line is isolated.

Each thrust takes her further
from their bedroom, his eyes
closed, even in the dark,

even at the moment
she exclaims“Oh God!”
Her prayers never end
in an amen.

Yet they still practice weekly,
as their therapist suggested,
but she'll never tell him
how free she feels
cleaning
behind locked windows.
- the ending, with the sudden switch
away from cleaning, feels a little
rushed/anticlimactic, particularly
the last line.


Best, Knot.