07-27-2018, 06:40 PM
I suggest maybe removing the last line of the second stanza, something like:
--- the plink and plonk of it,
scurrying through weed and rock
in restless obedience to gravity ---
since it gives the image emphasis. Also:
Camp
They lost count and retired
to their tent to feed the fire.
They must have thought
my footsteps were some stream
in restless obedience to gravity,
tomorrow was in their mind
like my axe a cross cut later.
--- the plink and plonk of it,
scurrying through weed and rock
in restless obedience to gravity ---
since it gives the image emphasis. Also:
Camp
They lost count and retired
to their tent to feed the fire.
They must have thought
my footsteps were some stream
in restless obedience to gravity,
tomorrow was in their mind
like my axe a cross cut later.