Space vs. Soul

[Todd]

Hi Cassiopeia,

Welcome to the site! A few comments for you on this:

Hi guys, I'm new here and a beginner at writing. I would appreciate some constructive criticism  


Space vs. Soul

Oh, the deep question of the universe!

So dazzling, scary even; its complexities--right here I think you need to rely on imagery rather than flat descriptors. Telling me something is dazzling or scary or complex is not as effective as reaching for an image or images that express these concepts and make the words gain life.

Endlessly expanding--This is a nice idea that is true of the universe but again if you do the work in the previous line and then have expanding be a natural consequence of the imagery it would be much stronger.

 

Or just reflecting?--Asides like this can be a bit distracting. They sort of work like scaffolding to get you there and then can be removed after your done. The poem is usually stronger for it.

 

Does the vastness of the blue horizon;

the penetrating glare of cosmos

Really make me shiver more than

 
Hidden inner landscape, bottomless desires
Monstrous, maddening undercurrents
Connections, symptoms with no end--All of this isn't bad but it still reads like a layered list of descriptors. I think you need to go one layer down to make this work.
 
True infinity
 
Perverted question of the human soul

I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd