04-23-2018, 12:08 PM
Space vs. Soul
Oh, the deep question of the universe!
So dazzling, scary even; its complexities
Endlessly expanding
Or just reflecting? <=== Your opening is not too bad but rather short and basic. A little more fleshing out of this comtemplation would be nice.
Does the vastness of the blue horizon;
the penetrating glare of cosmos
Really make me shiver more than <==== What? You ask a question here yet no question mark is found anywhere else in the poem to finish the thought.
Hidden inner landscape, bottomless desires
Monstrous, maddening undercurrents
Connections, symptoms with no end. <===== I kind of get where you're going here but I feel you're lacking some exposition. Landscape of what? Underrcurents of what? Symptoms of what?
True infinity
Perverted question of the human soul <===== I like this line but it seems rather orphaned. Is there a connecting thought here I've missesd?
You've got some good building blocks here but I feel there's a few pieces missing.
Oh, the deep question of the universe!
So dazzling, scary even; its complexities
Endlessly expanding
Or just reflecting? <=== Your opening is not too bad but rather short and basic. A little more fleshing out of this comtemplation would be nice.
Does the vastness of the blue horizon;
the penetrating glare of cosmos
Really make me shiver more than <==== What? You ask a question here yet no question mark is found anywhere else in the poem to finish the thought.
Hidden inner landscape, bottomless desires
Monstrous, maddening undercurrents
Connections, symptoms with no end. <===== I kind of get where you're going here but I feel you're lacking some exposition. Landscape of what? Underrcurents of what? Symptoms of what?
True infinity
Perverted question of the human soul <===== I like this line but it seems rather orphaned. Is there a connecting thought here I've missesd?
You've got some good building blocks here but I feel there's a few pieces missing.