04-19-2018, 03:17 AM
Well this is my hello
This is my goodbye
It's hard to say these things
I'll always wonder why - wonder why what? maybe be more specific
You would have been a joy
I know you'd make me proud - you would have made me proud? make sounds future tense, like it's going to happen
But life didn't quite give you the chance
To really come around - I would change this sentence if I were you.
I love the name your mother gave you
I know shes very sad - *she's / also maybe use a stronger word than "sad"
But the fact she got to know you - the reader might be confused here. how did she get to know him/her?
It really makes her glad - this sentence could use some revision, maybe switch the words around a little, and change "glad" to a different word
She didn't see your face
Or know quite who you'd be - I would change this sentence a little bit.
Just like the rest of the would - world?
Who didn't get to see - these four lines (she didn't see your face -> who didn't get to see) could use some revision to make them flow better. maybe go into more detail or use different wording.
But tho they may not know you
There's few who'll never forget
Like me, I promise you
I'll always be your proud Aunt.
I may have never known your gender
Or got to hold you in my arms
But that doesn't mean your not real - * you're / I'm not sure I would say "you're not real". maybe choose something different
That doesn't mean your forever gone - * you're
Maybe from this Earth
You'll never get to be
But one day in heaven
Ill be there for you to see - I think this needs a stronger ending. also, *I'll.
This is my goodbye
It's hard to say these things
I'll always wonder why - wonder why what? maybe be more specific
You would have been a joy
I know you'd make me proud - you would have made me proud? make sounds future tense, like it's going to happen
But life didn't quite give you the chance
To really come around - I would change this sentence if I were you.
I love the name your mother gave you
I know shes very sad - *she's / also maybe use a stronger word than "sad"
But the fact she got to know you - the reader might be confused here. how did she get to know him/her?
It really makes her glad - this sentence could use some revision, maybe switch the words around a little, and change "glad" to a different word
She didn't see your face
Or know quite who you'd be - I would change this sentence a little bit.
Just like the rest of the would - world?
Who didn't get to see - these four lines (she didn't see your face -> who didn't get to see) could use some revision to make them flow better. maybe go into more detail or use different wording.
But tho they may not know you
There's few who'll never forget
Like me, I promise you
I'll always be your proud Aunt.
I may have never known your gender
Or got to hold you in my arms
But that doesn't mean your not real - * you're / I'm not sure I would say "you're not real". maybe choose something different
That doesn't mean your forever gone - * you're
Maybe from this Earth
You'll never get to be
But one day in heaven
Ill be there for you to see - I think this needs a stronger ending. also, *I'll.