04-15-2018, 02:29 AM
Hi Temp,
well you weren't kidding
The rhythm wanders a bit but, overall, the piece flows nicely.
(The usual question is - did you read this aloud?)
Rage
Not sure about this, I'd prefer something a bit more conversational
in keeping with the poem itself (even 'Meet the New Neighbors'
or 'The Basement Next Door').
Meet the new neighbors, what a lovely young pair,
I think this should be more of an invitation, as in;
Come meet the new neighbors, a lovely young pair
He in a pressed suit and her with long flowing hair.
Perhaps,
he of the pressed suit, she with the long flowing hair ?
or
him with his pressed suit, her with...
They've got the white picket fence, they're living the life
but something's amiss with the cute smiling wife.
If you could find something that was a little bit more
subtle (than L4) I think it would improve this verse;
you're giving the game away too soon I think.
She carries a secret so awful, so deep,
A woman broken and bruised at the hands of a creep.
Kept in a basement, labeled as chattel,
Treated not as human but a dumb piece of cattle.
She is his property, a lone prized possession,
Absorbing the punishment, but where's the transgression?
Her tears burst through the dam in a torrential flood,
Driven by the sight of the bruises and blood.
I don't think you need either of these verses (S2 and S3),
the message is more that amply conveyed in the rest
of the piece. Also, S4, seems a more natural continuation
of the 'white picket fence' thought.
When they step out in public, he puts on a show,
Acting a perfect gentleman wherever they go.
Other women say "oh my, what a catch!"
As she manages to hide every deep cut and scratch.
(not much different between 'cut' and 'scratch')
He smiles and waves to them, what a great guy!
No one ever notices the look in her eye.
They are a beautiful couple, sharp looking and young,
Out on the town for some good wholesome fun.
It's there, the discomfort, the raging frustration,
Not convinced by 'raging frustration', especially
given the title. Fear, on the other hand...
But she holds it inside, lest she face devastation.
So she plays along with the fantasy, buries the strain,
'plays along' could be improved, I think
Puts on a fake smile and suppresses the pain.
I wonder if you might rework these two verses
along the lines of;
He smiles and waves to them, what a great guy!
No one ever notices the look in her eye.
It's there, the discomfort, the raging frustration,
But she holds it inside, lest she face devastation.
So she plays along with the fantasy, buries the strain,
Puts on a fake smile and suppresses the pain.
They are a beautiful couple, sharp looking and young,
Out on the town for some good wholesome fun.
But how long can she go on with this awful routine?
"If only, if only the truth could be seen!"
She thinks to herself while committing the crime,
Waiting for an out, biding her time.
She has only one shot to break free and escape,
Away from the beatings and bruising and rape.
So she lays out every detail in her head,
Knowing full well if she fails, she's dead.
Again, I think you could cut these two verses (S7 and S8).
They don't seem necessary and they've a couple
of weaknesses ('awful routine' and 'bruising').
After a couple of months, she chooses her time,
'Couple of months' isn't very interesting. Why does
she choose this as 'her time'?
Takes a deep breath and puts her life on the line.
Needs something better that 'a deep breath', I think.
In the darkness of night, she makes for the outside,
Why wouldn't the night be dark?
Suddenly she hears him: "where do you think you'll hide?"
He was already on to her, aware of the plot,
And he lashes out with every ounce of sweat that he's got.
This reads as if he flings sweat on her, where is his 'rage'?
By the time he is finished she's crushed to the core,
"That ought to teach you, you stupid young whore!"
Young? Surely something more profane than that?
So it's back to the basement, back to the cell,
Her own little desperate corner of hell.
Her master is so furious, angry and seething,
But by some freak occurrence she is still here and breathing.
Do you really think it is a 'freak occurrence'?
You may want to give some thought to ending the piece here.
The final four verses a rather anticlimactic (the reaction
of the police and her rhetorical questions seemed particularly
unconvincing. And where's the media).
Leave the reader wanting more, wanting to know what happens.
Let their imaginations fill in the blanks before they start asking
what sort of neighbour watched all this for fifteen years
and did nothing
I enjoyed the read.
Regards, Knot.
well you weren't kidding
The rhythm wanders a bit but, overall, the piece flows nicely.
(The usual question is - did you read this aloud?)
Rage
Not sure about this, I'd prefer something a bit more conversational
in keeping with the poem itself (even 'Meet the New Neighbors'
or 'The Basement Next Door').
Meet the new neighbors, what a lovely young pair,
I think this should be more of an invitation, as in;
Come meet the new neighbors, a lovely young pair
He in a pressed suit and her with long flowing hair.
Perhaps,
he of the pressed suit, she with the long flowing hair ?
or
him with his pressed suit, her with...
They've got the white picket fence, they're living the life
but something's amiss with the cute smiling wife.
If you could find something that was a little bit more
subtle (than L4) I think it would improve this verse;
you're giving the game away too soon I think.
She carries a secret so awful, so deep,
A woman broken and bruised at the hands of a creep.
Kept in a basement, labeled as chattel,
Treated not as human but a dumb piece of cattle.
She is his property, a lone prized possession,
Absorbing the punishment, but where's the transgression?
Her tears burst through the dam in a torrential flood,
Driven by the sight of the bruises and blood.
I don't think you need either of these verses (S2 and S3),
the message is more that amply conveyed in the rest
of the piece. Also, S4, seems a more natural continuation
of the 'white picket fence' thought.
When they step out in public, he puts on a show,
Acting a perfect gentleman wherever they go.
Other women say "oh my, what a catch!"
As she manages to hide every deep cut and scratch.
(not much different between 'cut' and 'scratch')
He smiles and waves to them, what a great guy!
No one ever notices the look in her eye.
They are a beautiful couple, sharp looking and young,
Out on the town for some good wholesome fun.
It's there, the discomfort, the raging frustration,
Not convinced by 'raging frustration', especially
given the title. Fear, on the other hand...
But she holds it inside, lest she face devastation.
So she plays along with the fantasy, buries the strain,
'plays along' could be improved, I think
Puts on a fake smile and suppresses the pain.
I wonder if you might rework these two verses
along the lines of;
He smiles and waves to them, what a great guy!
No one ever notices the look in her eye.
It's there, the discomfort, the raging frustration,
But she holds it inside, lest she face devastation.
So she plays along with the fantasy, buries the strain,
Puts on a fake smile and suppresses the pain.
They are a beautiful couple, sharp looking and young,
Out on the town for some good wholesome fun.
But how long can she go on with this awful routine?
"If only, if only the truth could be seen!"
She thinks to herself while committing the crime,
Waiting for an out, biding her time.
She has only one shot to break free and escape,
Away from the beatings and bruising and rape.
So she lays out every detail in her head,
Knowing full well if she fails, she's dead.
Again, I think you could cut these two verses (S7 and S8).
They don't seem necessary and they've a couple
of weaknesses ('awful routine' and 'bruising').
After a couple of months, she chooses her time,
'Couple of months' isn't very interesting. Why does
she choose this as 'her time'?
Takes a deep breath and puts her life on the line.
Needs something better that 'a deep breath', I think.
In the darkness of night, she makes for the outside,
Why wouldn't the night be dark?
Suddenly she hears him: "where do you think you'll hide?"
He was already on to her, aware of the plot,
And he lashes out with every ounce of sweat that he's got.
This reads as if he flings sweat on her, where is his 'rage'?
By the time he is finished she's crushed to the core,
"That ought to teach you, you stupid young whore!"
Young? Surely something more profane than that?
So it's back to the basement, back to the cell,
Her own little desperate corner of hell.
Her master is so furious, angry and seething,
But by some freak occurrence she is still here and breathing.
Do you really think it is a 'freak occurrence'?
You may want to give some thought to ending the piece here.
The final four verses a rather anticlimactic (the reaction
of the police and her rhetorical questions seemed particularly
unconvincing. And where's the media).
Leave the reader wanting more, wanting to know what happens.
Let their imaginations fill in the blanks before they start asking
what sort of neighbour watched all this for fifteen years
and did nothing
I enjoyed the read.
Regards, Knot.