rooting and nudging

[Knot]

Hi nibbed,
enjoyed the read.


rooting and nudging
better titled: me
(If 'me' then why isn't this first person?)


scrounged out sins from decades ago
do you need 'from decades ago' ?
barely cause an old maid to flinch
she's spent, you see,
(If you go with 'you see' and it's
clear conversatinal tone, I think
you need to improve the flow a bit.
The voice is a little inconsistent)
shuffled in a deck,
through all the piling sand;
now she just rubs on scars,
some old brands of trickery;
perhaps;
now she just rubs some old brands
of trickery on [her] scars ?
her lips are practiced in quietly spitting
break on 'spitting'
out all [the] ugly, bitter, venom
[that] ever sneaked in;
she's often mistaken for a beautiful butterfly,
(don't think you need 'beautiful')
when she's just a dry leaf in the wind
As a final couplet these would work really well,
I think, and this would be a very strong line to end on.


whose gusts of freedom were given
when crosses of sorcery's power were revealed;
they took away her choices
lost here - would suggest cutting entirely
so dirt's been turned to stone
as snouts are made tender
over new rings.
You could begin with these three lines
(if you go with the butterfly/leaf ending)
though I can't quite follow them.
Dirt turns to stone (passage of time) - links to 'sins'
Snout/new ring (instant - no passage of time) - no idea


Not sure about either title, and at the risk of causing offence
how about 'Old Maid'.
There's definitely something good here, just needs polishing.


Best, Knot.