03-29-2018, 05:14 AM
Thanks for your time and attention, Richard!
Being the second person to recommend line switches in the first stanza, I'll have to consider again. Actually I would agree that the first line isn't that great, especially next to the title. But for me it is all one thought, even with line-breaks, and I wanted it to finish and pause on a special point - the same shadow. If it finished on "last year at this time" it's like the less important point is made important - don't they say save the best for last? So my disposition tends to be that of ending on the important notes rather than starting on them. Still, I might have to think that over.
When words like "All" come in, as you mentioned, it's because I hear the poem out loud, as if spoken by someone. I tend to like those padding words sometimes, the human way of expression rather than just binding vocabulary, but all the same, I will think it over too.
"a loss of innocence", very interesting, good observation. I never knew when I was writing why I chose those words, but you're right. That's what I like most about free-writing as first draft. It allows the subconscious mind to influence the flow of writing, and then people pick up on it even before I do!
I think I'm crit'ing your crit now,
so I'll just thank you because I can definitely make use of your feedback. 
Oh, the question mark you mentioned was a reflective sort of thing coming from the observer. I will take a second look but as a rule I will not appear (as the writer) to get in the way of my work, so I hope the reader will not assume that I did either. It's just a passing thought of this observer.
Todd, good observation to end in that manner. At first I wasn't inclined, but I wrote it down anyway, and the image popped in a fresh way. Decided to put it in the revision above. Still not done, I'm sure, but you're right - there comes a point when everything is a slight change. (And no less impacting.)
Being the second person to recommend line switches in the first stanza, I'll have to consider again. Actually I would agree that the first line isn't that great, especially next to the title. But for me it is all one thought, even with line-breaks, and I wanted it to finish and pause on a special point - the same shadow. If it finished on "last year at this time" it's like the less important point is made important - don't they say save the best for last? So my disposition tends to be that of ending on the important notes rather than starting on them. Still, I might have to think that over.
When words like "All" come in, as you mentioned, it's because I hear the poem out loud, as if spoken by someone. I tend to like those padding words sometimes, the human way of expression rather than just binding vocabulary, but all the same, I will think it over too.
"a loss of innocence", very interesting, good observation. I never knew when I was writing why I chose those words, but you're right. That's what I like most about free-writing as first draft. It allows the subconscious mind to influence the flow of writing, and then people pick up on it even before I do!
I think I'm crit'ing your crit now,
so I'll just thank you because I can definitely make use of your feedback. Oh, the question mark you mentioned was a reflective sort of thing coming from the observer. I will take a second look but as a rule I will not appear (as the writer) to get in the way of my work, so I hope the reader will not assume that I did either. It's just a passing thought of this observer.
(03-29-2018, 04:31 AM)Richard Wrote: I feel like I'm being very harsh here, but I do like this piece. I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.It wasn't harsh - I appreciate your concern. Actually you owed me one, after that beer yesterday and my comments on Red River of the North.
Todd, good observation to end in that manner. At first I wasn't inclined, but I wrote it down anyway, and the image popped in a fresh way. Decided to put it in the revision above. Still not done, I'm sure, but you're right - there comes a point when everything is a slight change. (And no less impacting.)
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost
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