Hey Danny, I like some of the changes you made. I want to speak specifically to your concluding lines. Just like my comments on the intro, what is the most evocative ending. Here's my suggestion (it may require some tweaking on your part which I'll leave to you if you choose to go this way). It's a slight change but everything is a slight change in editing.
Was there a moment of distraction,
clank and hiss of failing swings?
Where you had been
and then only empty light
Was there a moment of distraction,
clank and hiss of failing swings?
Where you had been
and then only empty light
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson