This Year I Take Your Place (Revision 1c)

[Richard]

Hey Danny,
I think you're gong in the right direction with the edits. I do have some thoughts though:

Revision 1b (Thank you Knot and Todd) I'm still unsure of clarity of various rides effecting the image, but this is much better.

This Year I Take Your Place

Last year at this time -This beginning is improved over the first draft. However, I think it could be stronger. Look at what I said in the next comment.
you were standing at the edge
of this same shadow. -I like this image of standing at the edge of a shadow. I think it captures the reader's attention better than the first line, so I would suggest rewriting the first stanza so the first line is the third line. It would read: "You were standing at the edge/of this same shadow/ last year at this time.

All the neon stripes and dots -I would suggesting dropping the word "All." I think the reader will get what you're saying without it.
of the merry-go-round
stained your white shirt. -I quite like the image in this stanza. To me it conveys a sense of a loss of innocence, but that could be me just being dark.

A hundred screams broke the night - -This line seems incredibly menacing. I saw in some of your comments that you're talking about a roller-coaster here, so I don't think you want to start with this line if the stanza is about a roller-coaster. My suggestion would be to make this the last line of this stanza.   
all those young loves
tipping over the side of the world, -I feel like you need a different word than "tipping", so it's a bit more obvious to the reader that you're talking about a roller-coaster. I can't think of a good one right now. Personally, I think you could expand on the roller-coaster as being a metaphor for young love. Just a thought.
hands held tightly,

but you were solitary, -I feel like you don't need to say "solitary". It seems like an important element of this poem, but it should be shown, not outright said. May be combine this and the next line to read: "but you were usually fence-leaning".
fence-leaning,
staring through woods outside the grounds. -I like this line because it sums up the person's loneliness without directly saying it.

Was there a moment of distraction,
clank and hiss of failing swings? -I don't think you need to have a question here. It seems out of place to me because I'm unsure if the question is for the person in the poem or for the reader.
And then only empty light
where you had been. -I like the return to light here at end after starting with the image of a shadow, even if it's "empty light". I would suggest rewriting this last stanza to read: "Then a moment of distraction:/ clank and hiss of failing swings./ Empty light where you had been." Just a thought.

- Let me know what you understand the poem to be about, or let me know if you don't understand: 
- I have the feeling it may lack some quality, that it is dry. Blast away - I'm fine with all crit, just promise not to rush your reply.
- What could make this more emotionally impacting if indeed it's weak? Tell me what's missing.
Thank you for reading.

This year I take your place


Spinning lights, every color a-play upon their faces.
Last year at this time you were standing
at the edge of this same shadow in the moonlight.
All the neon stripes and dots
of the merry-go-round stained your white shirt.

Into whispering, chilled woods you stared.

A hundred screams penetrated
the night sky--all those young loves
falling off the edge of the world,
their hands held tightly.

But you were here, alone.
Could I have comforted you?

I hunger to know what it was
that made you disappear.
A moment of distraction-
the clank and hiss of the failing swings-
and only naked light remained
on the cobble where you had been.

Hurried, darting glances,
with that feeling that something
had been stolen from me.
All the effort only revealed
stranger after stranger.

I take your place this year.
Not knowing if you were or
were not the one the news reporter
stapled into the public's mind
with not half the sorrow in his face as mine-
who jumped from a bridge just outside
these gates of cheer.

Now I hold this fence you held.

And I see those trees you saw.

And I am sure that we could have been
much closer.

I feel like I'm being very harsh here, but I do like this piece. I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard