This Year I Take Your Place (Revision 1c)

[Todd]

Hi Danny, 

I haven't read the comments and I was still considering the earlier version when I noticed you did a revision--let me confine my comments than to the most current version.

Revision 1. (It sure lost some weight.) I might still want some reflection on the part of the observer. I certainly want to convey the caring observation and missed opportunity.

This year I take your place

Last year at this time
you were standing at the edge
of this same shadow.--While this opening seems improved to the original, I still think you need to consider rearranging your lines so that your most evocative opening is the lead. In this case, I think it makes most sense going (line 2, line 3, line 1)

All the neon
stripes and dots of--I like the effect this image has on the final line of the strophe. My issues though are with how you've broken some of the lines. I see no advantage with breaking on neon. I think your best breaks are L1: break after dots (so join the lines)/then move the of down to lead "the merry-go-round. 
the merry-go-round
stained your white shirt.--The image of the garish carnival lights staining the white shirt is good. Stain in this context seems to imply a breakdown of purity or maybe resolve. Something has went wrong--or will go wrong for the you of the poem. It may give a hint to the declaration in the title.

A hundred screams broke the night ---This is a serviceable line though you may be able to push it a bit. Stained above could also allude to blood or injury. I'm not sure that's what it's doing but if you want to carry forth that subtle implication you could change broke to something like fractured.
all those young loves--I think lovers might work better than loves but it's debatable.
tipping over the side of the world,--Here's where I had a slight disconnect. I don't see a merry-go-round as tipping OVER the side of the world. That seems more ferris wheel to me.
hands held tightly,--same with this.

but you were solitary,
watching woods outside the grounds.--Two things I think you need a through after watching. Secondly, this implies to me that the speaker is now also in these woods solitary and separated.

Was there a moment--I can live with this but I still want to bring of distraction up a line and make the next one "clank and hiss of falling swings" (again swings seems more Ferris wheel to me less merry go round)--nice sounds and line by the way.
of distraction, clank
and hiss of failing swings?
And then only empty--The lines would probably be stronger without the line break pauses: "And then only empty light/where you had been
light where you
had been.

Some nice work here. I hope as always that the comments help.

Best, 

Todd