03-28-2018, 10:36 PM
Hi FB,
like what you've got here, but it's all a bit loose
and the wandering rhyme scheme is something
of a distraction.
When creatures gather in groups of more than three
It's not the most dynamic of openings.
Perhaps something more interesting/unexpected than 'gather'
(I'd favour 'clump').
How diverse and sometimes strange is our terminology
you could switch 'sometimes' for 'oft times' (to emphasise
'strange terminology') - though I think dropping 'sometimes'
would improve the rhythm.
How did it come about that we have a murder of crows?
Who names them so, and the reasons why, Heaven only knows
You might switch the order of these two sentences.
Not just animals, but assemblies of any ilk can hold titles of renown
(I think you're missing a beat in this line)
Perhaps fated to be friendless, a notable exception, is the poor circus clown
Rhythm feels off here too. Also, you could reorder to better effect (I think);
A notable exception, [one] fated to be friendless, is the [lonely] circus clown.
Occasionally our words can be rather bland, for example, a herd of cows
There's not quite enough here, I think (and you probably don't need 'for
example')
[Now] Occasionally [such terms] can be rather bland;
a herd of [cattle, of curlews, of caribou, of asses
a tedium of repetition I do not understand
and is not something that linguistically impresses]
Other accumulations can sound quite grand, like a parliament of owls
Same as before, a single example doesn't really make your point.
Also somewhat ordinary is a bunch of carrots
How is 'ordinary' distinct from 'bland'?
Yet almost outlandish: a pandemonium of parrots
Same again, needs more than one example.
[There's] A scurry of squirrels, [and] a host of sparrows
A string of pearls, a quiver of arrows
An army of frogs, a knot of toads, a bask of crocodiles
Maybe,
An army of frogs, toads in a knot... ?
A stand of trees, a ring of keys, and a glow of smiles
Can't follow the rhythm here I'm afraid
And 'keys' and 'smiles'! They don't work at all.
A gaggle of geese waddling on the ground becomes a skein when they fly
If there's anybody who knows, would you please tell me why?
A crowd, when in a church, transforms to be a congregation
'transform' is a bit weak
Swans, only when on water, are called a lamentation
maybe 'in the drink' for 'only when on water' ?
A plague of rats, a cloud of bats, a mob of kangaroos
[But] What do we call several clowns?—I really have no clues
It's a walk of snails, which is somewhat odd, as they're devoid of feet
(It 's a walk of snails, which is odd, 'cos they've clearly no feet)
And it's not a bed of oysters because that's the place they go to sleep
(Though, if oysters do sleep, then arguably it is
)
Some collectives have the power to intrigue and fascinate
Others go crash-bang-wallop, giving it to you straight
You've already said as much.
But what of the clown?
[Is the question du jour]
On one hand amusing; perhaps sinister on the other
on the other sinister
('Perhaps' weakens the sinister/left-handed play)
Does this contradiction forbid him to rally with associate or brother?
Not sure you need this line at all.
So, surely, the world of words can provide a moniker for those kings of slapstick
An accolade that says, watch out, and yet provides a smile—that would be the trick
rhythmically this is hard to follow.
I have it! Not only fitting the criteria, but I'm quite taken by how this sounds
I here declare those gentlemen of painted face should be known as...
So here I declare, those painted faced gentlemen, be henceforth known as...
a [red-nosed] buffoonery of clowns
Best, Knot.
like what you've got here, but it's all a bit loose
and the wandering rhyme scheme is something
of a distraction.
When creatures gather in groups of more than three
It's not the most dynamic of openings.
Perhaps something more interesting/unexpected than 'gather'
(I'd favour 'clump').
How diverse and sometimes strange is our terminology
you could switch 'sometimes' for 'oft times' (to emphasise
'strange terminology') - though I think dropping 'sometimes'
would improve the rhythm.
How did it come about that we have a murder of crows?
Who names them so, and the reasons why, Heaven only knows
You might switch the order of these two sentences.
Not just animals, but assemblies of any ilk can hold titles of renown
(I think you're missing a beat in this line)
Perhaps fated to be friendless, a notable exception, is the poor circus clown
Rhythm feels off here too. Also, you could reorder to better effect (I think);
A notable exception, [one] fated to be friendless, is the [lonely] circus clown.
Occasionally our words can be rather bland, for example, a herd of cows
There's not quite enough here, I think (and you probably don't need 'for
example')
[Now] Occasionally [such terms] can be rather bland;
a herd of [cattle, of curlews, of caribou, of asses
a tedium of repetition I do not understand
and is not something that linguistically impresses]
Other accumulations can sound quite grand, like a parliament of owls
Same as before, a single example doesn't really make your point.
Also somewhat ordinary is a bunch of carrots
How is 'ordinary' distinct from 'bland'?
Yet almost outlandish: a pandemonium of parrots
Same again, needs more than one example.
[There's] A scurry of squirrels, [and] a host of sparrows
A string of pearls, a quiver of arrows
An army of frogs, a knot of toads, a bask of crocodiles
Maybe,
An army of frogs, toads in a knot... ?
A stand of trees, a ring of keys, and a glow of smiles
Can't follow the rhythm here I'm afraid
And 'keys' and 'smiles'! They don't work at all.
A gaggle of geese waddling on the ground becomes a skein when they fly
If there's anybody who knows, would you please tell me why?
A crowd, when in a church, transforms to be a congregation
'transform' is a bit weak
Swans, only when on water, are called a lamentation
maybe 'in the drink' for 'only when on water' ?
A plague of rats, a cloud of bats, a mob of kangaroos
[But] What do we call several clowns?—I really have no clues
It's a walk of snails, which is somewhat odd, as they're devoid of feet
(It 's a walk of snails, which is odd, 'cos they've clearly no feet)
And it's not a bed of oysters because that's the place they go to sleep
(Though, if oysters do sleep, then arguably it is
)Some collectives have the power to intrigue and fascinate
Others go crash-bang-wallop, giving it to you straight
You've already said as much.
But what of the clown?
[Is the question du jour]
On one hand amusing; perhaps sinister on the other
on the other sinister
('Perhaps' weakens the sinister/left-handed play)
Does this contradiction forbid him to rally with associate or brother?
Not sure you need this line at all.
So, surely, the world of words can provide a moniker for those kings of slapstick
An accolade that says, watch out, and yet provides a smile—that would be the trick
rhythmically this is hard to follow.
I have it! Not only fitting the criteria, but I'm quite taken by how this sounds
I here declare those gentlemen of painted face should be known as...
So here I declare, those painted faced gentlemen, be henceforth known as...
a [red-nosed] buffoonery of clowns
Best, Knot.