03-28-2018, 10:28 PM
Hey Danny.
I think it is a 'bit weak', mainly due to being
overwritten. Greater attention to line length
and editing would improve it. There's also a
tendency towards melodrama which doesn't
appeal to me.
Anyway, here goes...
Spinning lights, every color a-play upon their faces.
I'd suggest cutting this line, it's rather bland
and it's a variation of L5
Last year[,] at this time[,]
you were standing at the edge
of this same shadow[.]
this is an arresting image
In the moonlight [a]ll the neon
stripes and dots
of the merry-go-round
stained your white shirt.
This mostly works, but
wouldn't the neon out shine
the moon?
Into whispering, chilled woods you stared.
cut this, it's just melodrama.
A hundred screams penetrated
'penetrated' is odd, and doesn't lead
anywhere.
the night sky--all those young loves
falling off the edge of the world,
this is the second 'edge' (you
could easily change the first one)
their hands held tightly.
Maybe reorder as;
All those young loves
falling off the edge
of the world
hands held tightly
[screaming up at the stars]
But you were here, alone.
Could I have comforted you?
cut these.
I hunger to know what it was
that made you disappear.
You don't need this, it is implicit
in the whole piece.
A moment of distraction-
the clank and hiss of the failing swings-
and only naked light remained
on the cobble where you had been.
Would suggest reworking as'
Was there a moment
of distraction, the clank
and hiss of failing swings -
and [then] only the [empty] light remained[?]
I think you could end it here.
There rest isn't particularly interesting
and seems a little self-indulgent.
Hope this is of some use.
Best, Knot.
I think it is a 'bit weak', mainly due to being
overwritten. Greater attention to line length
and editing would improve it. There's also a
tendency towards melodrama which doesn't
appeal to me.
Anyway, here goes...
Spinning lights, every color a-play upon their faces.
I'd suggest cutting this line, it's rather bland
and it's a variation of L5
Last year[,] at this time[,]
you were standing at the edge
of this same shadow[.]
this is an arresting image
In the moonlight [a]ll the neon
stripes and dots
of the merry-go-round
stained your white shirt.
This mostly works, but
wouldn't the neon out shine
the moon?
Into whispering, chilled woods you stared.
cut this, it's just melodrama.
A hundred screams penetrated
'penetrated' is odd, and doesn't lead
anywhere.
the night sky--all those young loves
falling off the edge of the world,
this is the second 'edge' (you
could easily change the first one)
their hands held tightly.
Maybe reorder as;
All those young loves
falling off the edge
of the world
hands held tightly
[screaming up at the stars]
But you were here, alone.
Could I have comforted you?
cut these.
I hunger to know what it was
that made you disappear.
You don't need this, it is implicit
in the whole piece.
A moment of distraction-
the clank and hiss of the failing swings-
and only naked light remained
on the cobble where you had been.
Would suggest reworking as'
Was there a moment
of distraction, the clank
and hiss of failing swings -
and [then] only the [empty] light remained[?]
I think you could end it here.
There rest isn't particularly interesting
and seems a little self-indulgent.
Hope this is of some use.
Best, Knot.