03-10-2018, 01:39 AM
Hey, RC,
a tale of two halves...
I have old skins
(Great start, nice conversational tone
and would have liked to see that continued.)
given to me
that matter now.
I think it should go straight in to I,
(these lines beg the question, why now
and not then?)
I.
A black, 50’s leather jacket
teen hoods wore back then;
Would suggest;
A 50s leather jacket, black,
like teen hoods wore back then.
[but] this one is from a gentler soul,
(Change semi colon to comma and period
after 'soul' - the line breaks are rather
intrusive)
running buddy Kev, prince,
Kev, running buddy, prince...
gladiator, leader of our
endless war protests.
(like the ambiguity of 'endless war')
His grin, mock-trick eyes,
party-time hail-fellow-well-met
exhortations to go full-blast,
in all-night carouses,
few too many hyphens for me,
and the 'hail-fellow' cliché is a
bit too clunky.
prep for the barricades
the following cloudy day.
How'd you know the following
day would be cloudy?
Fatally handsome, but shy
in the corners of his shine.
Fatally before the Big C is a
rather unsubtle, I think.
The big C hit him from behind,
why from behind? Is it a prostate
reference?
we all of us fell with him,
we/all/us ? Second 'him'
he couldn’t get up along with us,
this time.
second 'us/with', - what does 'get up along'
have to do with parties and was protests?
I feel honor, grace,
and memories that surge,
expand, when I put his jacket on;
perhaps it should be 'skin' not 'jacket'?
the only protest left is shouting,
in his voice, against absence.
II.
Think this should start 'My father...'
A Scotch plaid winter wool shirt,
designed for woods-work
and rambling; my father wore it
for both. He, a business man,
loved our land, gardens,
fields and meadows like a proprietor
of the untold riches,relief and solitude
they possessed, and shared with him.
Pre-dawn Februaries he donned it
'Pre-dawn' is rather weak, why not 'bitter'
or something more evocative?
'donned' and the 'Don'?
to plow both driveways,
loving the storms of powder
he volumed up around him.
As dawn broke, He’d walk
second 'dawn'
the maple sugar lines,
then check the collecting tub
in the shed he’d built himself,
all built with his own hands
next to the barn brother Don and I
built along with him.
two 'built'
I think nibbed is right about this section.
Where is N's sentiment?
Mom waited for him
with over-easy eggs,
loving conversation,
and, yah, sometimes
slight differences.
What does this have to do
with N and the shirt?
I have
new skins
I give
proper
wear to
now.
One problem is having got to the end you realise that the
first line is very misleading. It's not ' I have old skins'
but 'I have two old skins', and that is slightly disappointing.
Something of a radical proposition, I admit, but would you
consider beginning 'I have this old skin' and ending with
'against absence' - dropping II entirely?
There is no real contrast between I and II and consequently
II seems unnecessary (though it would work perfectly well
on its own).
Best, Knot.
a tale of two halves...
I have old skins
(Great start, nice conversational tone
and would have liked to see that continued.)
given to me
that matter now.
I think it should go straight in to I,
(these lines beg the question, why now
and not then?)
I.
A black, 50’s leather jacket
teen hoods wore back then;
Would suggest;
A 50s leather jacket, black,
like teen hoods wore back then.
[but] this one is from a gentler soul,
(Change semi colon to comma and period
after 'soul' - the line breaks are rather
intrusive)
running buddy Kev, prince,
Kev, running buddy, prince...
gladiator, leader of our
endless war protests.
(like the ambiguity of 'endless war')
His grin, mock-trick eyes,
party-time hail-fellow-well-met
exhortations to go full-blast,
in all-night carouses,
few too many hyphens for me,
and the 'hail-fellow' cliché is a
bit too clunky.
prep for the barricades
the following cloudy day.
How'd you know the following
day would be cloudy?
Fatally handsome, but shy
in the corners of his shine.
Fatally before the Big C is a
rather unsubtle, I think.
The big C hit him from behind,
why from behind? Is it a prostate
reference?
we all of us fell with him,
we/all/us ? Second 'him'
he couldn’t get up along with us,
this time.
second 'us/with', - what does 'get up along'
have to do with parties and was protests?
I feel honor, grace,
and memories that surge,
expand, when I put his jacket on;
perhaps it should be 'skin' not 'jacket'?
the only protest left is shouting,
in his voice, against absence.
II.
Think this should start 'My father...'
A Scotch plaid winter wool shirt,
designed for woods-work
and rambling; my father wore it
for both. He, a business man,
loved our land, gardens,
fields and meadows like a proprietor
of the untold riches,relief and solitude
they possessed, and shared with him.
Pre-dawn Februaries he donned it
'Pre-dawn' is rather weak, why not 'bitter'
or something more evocative?
'donned' and the 'Don'?
to plow both driveways,
loving the storms of powder
he volumed up around him.
As dawn broke, He’d walk
second 'dawn'
the maple sugar lines,
then check the collecting tub
in the shed he’d built himself,
all built with his own hands
next to the barn brother Don and I
built along with him.
two 'built'
I think nibbed is right about this section.
Where is N's sentiment?
Mom waited for him
with over-easy eggs,
loving conversation,
and, yah, sometimes
slight differences.
What does this have to do
with N and the shirt?
I have
new skins
I give
proper
wear to
now.
One problem is having got to the end you realise that the
first line is very misleading. It's not ' I have old skins'
but 'I have two old skins', and that is slightly disappointing.
Something of a radical proposition, I admit, but would you
consider beginning 'I have this old skin' and ending with
'against absence' - dropping II entirely?
There is no real contrast between I and II and consequently
II seems unnecessary (though it would work perfectly well
on its own).
Best, Knot.