03-02-2018, 02:57 AM
(03-01-2018, 06:25 PM)20_Hamilton_18 Wrote: Hey Andy, happy to make your acquaintance. First off, there are a few typos and simple bits of punctuation omitted that says to me, “this hasn’t been proofed,” all it takes is to stick it on a word doc and it does the work for you, in terms of the little errors strewn about here. Because of that I feel disinclined to go through this line by line, so instead I’ll leave you with a few simple impressions.
Given the structure and the way this looks on a page, I was really looking forward to the piece, upon further inspection the structure, while playful is less designed and more inspired by whim.
The piece would work exactly the same way set out in a traditional manner as it does here. If you can tell me this has a purpose then go for it, otherwise what's the point?
I think that the rhyme scheme adds little to this and consequently means that it feels clunky and forced. Should you wish to stick with the playful form of the piece then I think that working on the rhyme scheme and the rhythm of the piece so that they are not clunky would contrast nicely with the format.
Finally, I think there is a playfulness deep within your writing which I would like to see more of, but that’s going to take time and I think first off you need to get the basics such as grammar and punctuation right, before you present anything to your peers.
Hoping to hear more from you
Johnny
Thanks for the advice. I took your advice and made some adjustments. I fixed the structure, while it did have a reason, it definitely gave the poem an odd feel. I also did my best to fix the punctuation. Thank you for the feedback, Ill keep it in mind while working on future pieces.