This is my first time posting on here, so Id love to here feedback. This poem is in three parts because its pretty long, I called it the inevitable, and this is part one, Rain. I hope you enjoy.

Rain

I asked what it is
that brings you here,
with dark grey clouds,
and heavy rains this year.


This icy chill,
and dreams that will never be,
seem all too real.
Yes, it seems to me


A shifting timeline
seems unreal to me.
I'm living in a nightmare,
it seems so real to me.


I must know what it is
that brought this cloud to me.
I can get through this,
They're all proud of me.


It seems like the clouds may clear.
I get up, dance around and cheer.
But the clouds come back, showing rain is near.
I still don't know what brings it here.


At the end of the day,
it's fine to be cold.
I was told that the rain would get old.

Hey Andy, happy to make your acquaintance. First off, there are a few typos and simple bits of punctuation omitted that says to me, “this hasn’t been proofed,” all it takes is to stick it on a word doc and it does the work for you, in terms of the little errors strewn about here. Because of that I feel disinclined to go through this line by line, so instead I’ll leave you with a few simple impressions.

Given the structure and the way this looks on a page, I was really looking forward to the piece, upon further inspection the structure, while playful is less designed and more inspired by whim.
The piece would work exactly the same way set out in a traditional manner as it does here. If you can tell me this has a purpose then go for it, otherwise what's the point?

I think that the rhyme scheme adds little to this and consequently means that it feels clunky and forced. Should you wish to stick with the playful form of the piece then I think that working on the rhyme scheme and the rhythm of the piece so that they are not clunky would contrast nicely with the format.

Finally, I think there is a playfulness deep within your writing which I would like to see more of, but that’s going to take time and I think first off you need to get the basics such as grammar and punctuation right, before you present anything to your peers.

Hoping to hear more from you

Johnny

(03-01-2018, 06:25 PM)20_Hamilton_18 Wrote:  Hey Andy, happy to make your acquaintance. First off, there are a few typos and simple bits of punctuation omitted that says to me, “this hasn’t been proofed,” all it takes is to stick it on a word doc and it does the work for you, in terms of the little errors strewn about here. Because of that I feel disinclined to go through this line by line, so instead I’ll leave you with a few simple impressions.

Given the structure and the way this looks on a page, I was really looking forward to the piece, upon further inspection the structure, while playful is less designed and more inspired by whim.
The piece would work exactly the same way set out in a traditional manner as it does here. If you can tell me this has a purpose then go for it, otherwise what's the point?

I think that the rhyme scheme adds little to this and consequently means that it feels clunky and forced. Should you wish to stick with the playful form of the piece then I think that working on the rhyme scheme and the rhythm of the piece so that they are not clunky would contrast nicely with the format.

Finally, I think there is a playfulness deep within your writing which I would like to see more of, but that’s going to take time and I think first off you need to get the basics such as grammar and punctuation right, before you present anything to your peers.

Hoping to hear more from you

Johnny

 
Thanks for the advice. I took your advice and made some adjustments. I fixed the structure, while it did have a reason, it definitely gave the poem an odd feel. I also did my best to fix the punctuation. Thank you for the feedback, Ill keep it in mind while working on future pieces.

Hi Andy,
I find some parts of this interesting: here are some thoughts:
1. The meter is wrong at multiple places in the first 4 paragraphs (eg. "and dreams that will never be" - way too many syllables). Coupled with the repitition of "seems" clauses, the result is somewhat off-putting. If it suits you, you can discard the rhyme altogether: that helps you better evaluate your own words sometimes.

1.5 Same with spelling and punctuation (eg. "I get up dance around and chear"), but that shouldn't be too difficult to find and correct.

2. The question, what brings the rains here, is skirted around - the exploration of the theme feels somewhat tangential. Also, it is not very clear who is being addressed in the first paragraph, with heavy rains occuring separately in a sentence, or where that person/entity disappears after the first paragraph. Incomplete narratives are often used in poetry, but the visible part should then be vivid enough to keep the reader engaged, not just a series of introductions.

3. The use of real and unreal in the 3rd paragraph feels more like a direct contradiction than any literary device.

4. "I can get through this" - stretching the depression metaphor a bit too thin here, maybe? It sounds like you are trying to make it obvious, which is not a good idea. When you are trying to tell a story, you have to pretend it's true.

5.  The last stanza is probably the best part of this poem. It concludes the search for causes nicely enough.

Overall, it is a reasonably good poem if you're a beginner. Do try to proofread your poems at least once - one or two wrong spellings are fine by me, but it does make the act of reading a tiny bit less enjoyable.

(03-01-2018, 11:41 AM)AndyBryant123 Wrote:  This is my first time posting on here, so Id love to here feedback. This poem is in three parts because its pretty long, I called it the inevitable, and this is part one, Rain. I hope you enjoy.

Rain

I asked what it is
that brings you here,
with dark grey clouds,
and heavy rains this year.


This icy chill,
and dreams that will never be,
seem all too real.
Yes, it seems to me


A shifting timeline
seems unreal to me.
I'm living in a nightmare,
it seems so real to me.


I must know what it is
that brought this cloud to me.
I can get through this,
They're all proud of me.


It seems like the clouds may clear.
I get up dance around and chear.
But the clouds come back, showing rain is near.
I still don't know what brings it here.


At the end of the day,
it's fine to be cold.
I was told that the rain would get old.

Hi Andy, thanks for posting. I agree that some of the lines are too long/too many syllables ("and dreams that will never be"). Overall though I like your contrast of emotion/dreams with tangible, natural elements. Also, I liked the way you wrapped it up in the last stanza and last line, it brought the emotion back around nicely. Winterloc

Andy, I would have liked to see the 3 parts of this together (I rally wouldn't have been overwhelmed. And looking at other comments here I think a few of the other guys would have been okay with it all in one hit) My main concern for this piece is that it seems to repeating. That is the clouds come, (boo) then they go, (hooray) This seems to happen with minimal emotion; but without the rest of the piece it's impossible to gauge if this needs a tweak or a heavy edit.

You've got some solid potential here and some good imagery. Your meter could use a little polishing. Also, this verse:

A shifting timeline
seems unreal to me.
I'm living in a nightmare,
it seems so real to me.

I agree with the other poster who said they seem to be contradicting ideas. Also, you've essentially rhymed "real to me" with "real to me" which, while defintely allowed, seems a bit uncreative. Consider this alternative:

A shifting timeline,
Secrets reveal to me.
The living nightmare
seems so real to me.

I look forward to the next two parts.

In the opening stanza there is a suggestion of "YOU" and this is not developed. I like the 3rd stanza, which suggests the movement of time and the the specific of the nightmare. What do you think?

Hi Andy. I dont make a very good critic but ill do my best to give feedback. Your poem does indeed sound very pretty and serine however I do feel like the use of the word "me" might be being overused as it dosnt not fit within each line but shows up commonly. Try and fit in some unique words making it creative and more your own.