02-28-2018, 02:57 AM
Hey Johnny,
nice sketch - though I don't think your line lengths
are doing you any favours and I'd again suggest
breaking it up into verses.
She, just
I think you need to remove the comma,
you've just started and one word later a pause.
It's not a particularly 'inviting' introduction.
(Though I've got Charles Aznavour in my head now)
Consider;
She's just 'resting her eyes',
leaning her head on my shoulder
falling asleep...
resting her eyes,
leans her head
on my shoulder and
falls asleep.
I try prodding
a gentle elbow
to the ribs
but she snores
turns over and dreams of
the ikat padding
tattered behind her...
I'd suggest either cutting this or moving it,
I think the piece would flow better to go from
'falls asleep' straight to
Leaving me weary
but unsleeping
Not keen on 'unsleeping' so
soon after 'asleep'.
Seems like you're trying a bit too hard.
don’t want to miss
(who doesn't?
Because if it is her, then why is she asleep?)
our destination as
(you could tuck a clue in here, perhaps
the name of the train station or similar
- though I can't tell what the mode of transport is.)
Samson follows Goliath
climbing through fogged window
'climbing through'? As in 'entering'?
the sun rising at their backs
(could they be 'hauling the sun up'
or something? A hint as to the fact they're cranes?)
behemoths of the skyline-
not sure the last line adds anything
(the names imply 'behemoth' anyway,
and it feels like an awkward phrase).
I’ve captured their likeness
(How? It suggests a process different
from 'holiday snaps')
with every little trip,
why 'little'? And why do you do it?
Is it a one constant in a changing world
sort of thing, or what?
she’s seen them before,
Are you trying to say
she's only ever seen them...?
scrolling through
thumbed holiday snaps and
said time and time again,
“wud like t’s’em me sen,”
In which case, why doesn't N wake her?
but come tomorrow
it’ll be back to
thumbed photographs
again.
You could cut these last lines
for, given that she's sleeping,
they are stating the obvious.
For me, not knowing who 'she' is
by the end of the piece (girlfriend/wife/daughter/...),
means I'm not particularly engaged.
I agree with Richard, this doesn't seem to
be about the cranes but about the relationship,
and that part needs developing.
(The title doesn't really help).
Best, Knot.
(Apologies, you got a couple of revisions
in before I could post this.)
nice sketch - though I don't think your line lengths
are doing you any favours and I'd again suggest
breaking it up into verses.
She, just
I think you need to remove the comma,
you've just started and one word later a pause.
It's not a particularly 'inviting' introduction.
(Though I've got Charles Aznavour in my head now)
Consider;
She's just 'resting her eyes',
leaning her head on my shoulder
falling asleep...
resting her eyes,
leans her head
on my shoulder and
falls asleep.
I try prodding
a gentle elbow
to the ribs
but she snores
turns over and dreams of
the ikat padding
tattered behind her...
I'd suggest either cutting this or moving it,
I think the piece would flow better to go from
'falls asleep' straight to
Leaving me weary
but unsleeping
Not keen on 'unsleeping' so
soon after 'asleep'.
Seems like you're trying a bit too hard.
don’t want to miss
(who doesn't?
Because if it is her, then why is she asleep?)
our destination as
(you could tuck a clue in here, perhaps
the name of the train station or similar
- though I can't tell what the mode of transport is.)
Samson follows Goliath
climbing through fogged window
'climbing through'? As in 'entering'?
the sun rising at their backs
(could they be 'hauling the sun up'
or something? A hint as to the fact they're cranes?)
behemoths of the skyline-
not sure the last line adds anything
(the names imply 'behemoth' anyway,
and it feels like an awkward phrase).
I’ve captured their likeness
(How? It suggests a process different
from 'holiday snaps')
with every little trip,
why 'little'? And why do you do it?
Is it a one constant in a changing world
sort of thing, or what?
she’s seen them before,
Are you trying to say
she's only ever seen them...?
scrolling through
thumbed holiday snaps and
said time and time again,
“wud like t’s’em me sen,”
In which case, why doesn't N wake her?
but come tomorrow
it’ll be back to
thumbed photographs
again.
You could cut these last lines
for, given that she's sleeping,
they are stating the obvious.
For me, not knowing who 'she' is
by the end of the piece (girlfriend/wife/daughter/...),
means I'm not particularly engaged.
I agree with Richard, this doesn't seem to
be about the cranes but about the relationship,
and that part needs developing.
(The title doesn't really help).
Best, Knot.
(Apologies, you got a couple of revisions
in before I could post this.)