It speaks sparingly,
and only on matters of great import,
with well chosen words.
It doesn't carry over
It's morals to other people,
refraining from judgmental smirks.
You relate to it on a subconscious level.
Your subconscious relates to it on a subconscious level.
It comes from a good family.
An obedient son, caring parent,
loving husband. Or at least dutiful.
Somewhat conservative on social issues -
frowns at public displays, but is still glad
to see people happy.
Has an affable old guy sort of personality,
giving off all good and kind vibes.
It says “thank you” when you offer it tea,
and accepts the proffered cup gingerly,
sipping without a sound - most British.
It inclines its head as it passes you on the street,
acknowledging your existence, but not
straddling over your awkwardness.
It realizes you don't want details.
It pats your dog on the head, calls him “a good boy”.
For an instant you think it is talking about you.
You smile. You must be away now.
It hopes to talk to you again, sometime later.
If the weather's clear.
If the wind favors
a seaward journey.
Reject Note
This is a good poem.
It speaks sparingly,
and only on matters of great import,
with well chosen words.
It doesn't carry over, or under.
You relate to it on a subconscious level.
Your subconscious relates to it on a subconscious level.
It comes from a good family.
An obedient son, caring parent,
loving husband. Or at least dutiful.
Somewhat conservative on social issues.
Has an affable old guy sort of personality.
The instant you see it you start getting good vibes.
It says “thank you” when you offer it tea,
and accepts the proffered cup gingerly,
sippping without a sound - most British.
It inclines its head as it passes you on the street,
acknowledging your existence, but not
enjambing over your awkwardness.
It realizes you don't want details.
It pats your dog on the head, calls him “a good boy”.
For an instant you think it is talking about you.
Is it publication material?
Maybe but not sure.
It hopes to talk to me sometime later.
Encourage the author to submit again.
Hey ritwiksadhu33,
I like some of the images you use here. I'll go into more detail below:
(02-16-2018, 03:29 AM)ritwiksadhu33 Wrote: Reject Note -May be it should read "Rejection Note"? I'm not a huge fan of this title because I find you stray a bit from this image.
This is a good poem. -This line is dangerous because it would be an easy line to mock if this poem was terrible, which it is not. My thinking is that you might as well go all in on this line and make it the title.
It speaks sparingly,
and only on matters of great import,
with well chosen words.
It doesn't carry over, or under. -I get what you're going for here. However, if you want to keep these images in the poem, I would suggest expanding on them because it feels like you're just scratching the surface here.
You relate to it on a subconscious level.
Your subconscious relates to it on a subconscious level. -The repetition of "subconscious" is a bit excessive, and I find it creates almost a comedic effect that isn't consistent with the rest of the poem.
It comes from a good family. -I quite like this line and the rest of the family imagery/metaphor. My suggestion would be to cut the first six lines of the poem and start here. If you changed the title to "This is a good poem", I think starting here would make sense.
An obedient son, caring parent,
loving husband. Or at least dutiful.
Somewhat conservative on social issues.
Has an affable old guy sort of personality.
The instant you see it you start getting good vibes.
It says “thank you” when you offer it tea,
and accepts the proffered cup gingerly,
sippping without a sound - most British. -Perhaps it should make a sound because sound is a big part of poetry.
It inclines its head as it passes you on the street,
acknowledging your existence, but not
enjambing over your awkwardness.
It realizes you don't want details. -I would end the poem here, or keep going with the idea of details the poem has to communicate even though it knows most people don't want them.
It pats your dog on the head, calls him “a good boy”.
For an instant you think it is talking about you.
Is it publication material?
Maybe but not sure.
It hopes to talk to me sometime later.
Encourage the author to submit again. -Personally, I don't find that this goes with the previous stanza, and if not for the title, it would feel really out of place. That is why I would recommend cutting this stanza.
I think you have a good first draft here, and I hope some of what I said helps you move in the direction you want.
Hi Richard,
Thanks for the read and review. It gave me a lot of things to think about. I've responded to your comments below.
(02-17-2018, 12:07 PM)Richard Wrote: Hey ritwiksadhu33,
I like some of the images you use here. I'll go into more detail below:
(02-16-2018, 03:29 AM)ritwiksadhu33 Wrote: Reject Note -May be it should read "Rejection Note"? I'm not a huge fan of this title because I find you stray a bit from this image. I guess you mean the impression given is that of a mostly likeable, old school sorta guy, and there are not enough flaws mixed in to justify the title. I'll keep that in mind, although I am not sure if I'll extend it or change the title.
This is a good poem. -This line is dangerous because it would be an easy line to mock if this poem was terrible, pretty much what I thought which it is not. My thinking is that you might as well go all in on this line and make it the title. Have to edit and see if it's safe enough.
It speaks sparingly,
and only on matters of great import,
with well chosen words.
It doesn't carry over, or under. -I get what you're going for here. However, if you want to keep these images in the poem, I would suggest expanding on them because it feels like you're just scratching the surface here. Yeah, on second thoughts this line is somewhat vague. Might need extending
You relate to it on a subconscious level.
Your subconscious relates to it on a subconscious level. -The repetition of "subconscious" is a bit excessive, and I find it creates almost a comedic effect that isn't consistent with the rest of the poem. That was the intent, but the brevity of the poem works against consistency I guess. I might have to include a few more descriptors that also have a humorous tone and make it a bit less abstract.
It comes from a good family. -I quite like this line and the rest of the family imagery/metaphor. My suggestion would be to cut the first six lines of the poem and start here. If you changed the title to "This is a good poem", I think starting here would make sense.
An obedient son, caring parent,
loving husband. Or at least dutiful.
Somewhat conservative on social issues.
Has an affable old guy sort of personality.
The instant you see it you start getting good vibes.
It says “thank you” when you offer it tea,
and accepts the proffered cup gingerly,
sippping without a sound - most British. -Perhaps it should make a sound because sound is a big part of poetry. Don't know if I could fit that in.
It inclines its head as it passes you on the street,
acknowledging your existence, but not
enjambing over your awkwardness.
It realizes you don't want details. -I would end the poem here, or keep going with the idea of details the poem has to communicate even though it knows most people don't want them.
It pats your dog on the head, calls him “a good boy”.
For an instant you think it is talking about you.
Is it publication material?
Maybe but not sure.
It hopes to talk to me sometime later.
Encourage the author to submit again. -Personally, I don't find that this goes with the previous stanza, and if not for the title, it would feel really out of place. That is why I would recommend cutting this stanza. Yeah, this probably reads like too much of a cover up. There's considerable room for expansion after the last paragraph: I'll have to give it more thought.
I think you have a good first draft here, and I hope some of what I said helps you move in the direction you want.
It speaks sparingly,
and only on matters of great import, i get the irony.. but still would prefer to plainly read something like "unoffensive matters" with well chosen words.
It doesn't carry over, or under.
You relate to it on a subconscious level.
Your subconscious relates to it on a subconscious level. i´m not that deeply into psychology, therefore unsure if this line makes sense
It comes from a good family.
An obedient son, caring parent,
loving husband. Or at least dutiful.
Somewhat conservative on social issues. i think this fact is expressed in the line before and maybe "social issues" is hinting too clearly towards things this good poem cleverly pretens to avoid
Has an affable old guy sort of personality.
The instant you see it you start getting good vibes. maybe "good vibes" is a bit over the top.
It says “thank you” when you offer it tea,
and accepts the proffered cup gingerly,
sippping without a sound - most British.
It inclines its head as it passes you on the street,
acknowledging your existence, but not
enjambing over your awkwardness. cool enjambment! "acknowledging your existence, but not" and the explanation why not follows in this line. although then it would be better phrased as: "acknowledging your existence but not/ failing to enjamb over your awkwardness". (just weird thoughts of mine)
It realizes you don't want details.
It pats your dog on the head, calls him “a good boy”. hmm. nice rebound to the readers. deserved? thought-provoking? yes.
For an instant you think it is talking about you.
Is it publication material?
Maybe but not sure.
It hopes to talk to me sometime later.
Encourage the author to submit again.
"most british" gets a very political aspect concerning you´re from india. and i like that, too, though it makes the poem more specific than it seemed to me.
"it hopes to talk to me sometime later" is a very poignant line.. the other 3 lines surrounding seem distracting to me.
i wonder if the title does your poem justice, since it is written (describing itself) in a way that it would not (overtly) induce rejection. maybe you could make "this is a good poem" the title and omit "reject note".
It speaks sparingly,
and only on matters of great import,
with well chosen words.
It doesn't carry over, or under. -I like how the first 5 lines sets the tone.
You relate to it on a subconscious level.
Your subconscious relates to it on a subconscious level. -this made me smile, because it happens so much
It comes from a good family. -here begins a wild personification
An obedient son, caring parent,
loving husband. Or at least dutiful.
Somewhat conservative on social issues.
Has an affable old guy sort of personality.
The instant you see it you start getting good vibes.
It says “thank you” when you offer it tea,
and accepts the proffered cup gingerly,
sippping without a sound - most British. -sp.
It inclines its head as it passes you on the street, -wow!
acknowledging your existence, but not
enjambing over your awkwardness.
It realizes you don't want details.
It pats your dog on the head, calls him “a good boy”.
For an instant you think it is talking about you.
Is it publication material?
Maybe but not sure.
It hopes to talk to me sometime later.
Encourage the author to submit again.
I've only submitted once and the result was disappointing,
so I kinda understand how this would offer a clever hint of sarcasm.
I think sarcasm can be difficult in poetry.
The form is excellent. I enjoyed it very much.
If this is a recent event that has happened to this writer, I am sorry.
Your poem is very easy-to-read and fun. Yes, a good poem.
I think the originality of your poem, being a poem about a critique of a poem, or in short a poem about a poem, was clever. It started very well but somewhere in the middle you seemed to struggle to maintain the crispness of the opening and, by the end it was definitely too loose, not tight, almost falling apart.
Although I liked the opening of the poem I didn't like the title, because rejection notices are form letters, and nothing like the poem. Why not just start with "This is a good poem." as a title?
I was ok with everything, enjoying the tongue-in-cheek playfulness, until you go to the line "Has an affable old guy sort of personality." I'm not sure this line is even necessary. But, aside from that, in the classic discussion over whether poems are doing enough showing versus enough telling, the opening of this poem is heavily weighted to "telling" with very little "showing", and I think you can only do that for so long before your reader will be unhappy if you don't start "showing" at some point. Maybe other readers will have a different line where their personal tolerance runs out, but for me it was this line. I needed you to shift into an intense "showing" mode starting with this line to make the poem continue to work for me. "affable old guy sort of personality" is very much in the "telling" not "showing" column. The next line has similar problems: "The instant you see it you start getting good vibes." - once again, "telling" not "showing". What are "getting good vibes?"
I think the furthest you can go in the heavy "telling" mode you start the poem in is "Somewhat conservative on social issues." and you need to have a stanza break after that line, and the next stanza needs to be very much in the "showing" column. If you wanted, you could get rid of the two lines I'm complaining about entirely and start the second stanza with:
It says “thank you” when you offer it tea,
and accepts the proffered cup gingerly,
sipping without a sound - most British. <-- minor note I corrected to only 2 p's in "sipping"
This is acceptably in the "showing" column. And then I think you're fine until the line "enjambing over your awkwardness." I'm cringing at the use of the word "enjambing" here. This word is too self-consciously poetic. Everything else that you've written before this word is language that could reasonably have been used in normal, everyday speech to describe a person, a sort of British-style gentleman, as well as a poem, but people simply don't describe British-style gentlemen as "enjambing" in everyday speech. In fact, "enjambing" is not a word, or at least a common word, in English. Dictionary.com showed no results for "enjamb" or "enjambing". The word "enjamber" is a French word - not English - and that's probably the closest you're going to get except for, of course, "enjambment" or "enjambed", but both of those words only refer to poetry. This is why the word "enjambing" doesn't work for me - it is a made up, self-consciously poetic word.
I think you need to be a lot more subtle and try "straddling" instead of "enjambling" The root word of enjambment means "to straddle" so some careful readers should still be able to get to "enjambment" from the word "straddling", and "straddling" is comfortable and unforced, so in my opinion it's clearly a better choice.
I would get rid of the line "It realizes you don't want details." - again this is way too far in the "telling" column and you used all your "telling" goodwill in the first stanza. Then I would end the poem with the line "For an instant you think it is talking about you." That's a strong and interesting ending. Plus, everything after that just doesn't quite work and detracts from the poem. So my suggested revision would be:
This is a good poem.
It speaks sparingly,
and only on matters of great import,
with well chosen words.
It doesn't carry over, or under.
You relate to it on a subconscious level.
Your subconscious relates to it on a subconscious level.
It comes from a good family.
An obedient son, caring parent,
loving husband. Or at least dutiful.
Somewhat conservative on social issues.
It says “thank you” when you offer it tea,
and accepts the proffered cup gingerly,
sipping without a sound - most British.
It inclines its head as it passes you on the street,
acknowledging your existence, but not
straddling over your awkwardness.
It pats your dog on the head, calls him “a good boy”.
For an instant you think it is talking about you.
Hi everyone,
Thanks for detailed reviews - I liked quite a few of the suggestions. I had some exams last week and as such have been lazy abput editing stuff for a while. Hope to change that soon.
Edit: Done that.
