02-24-2018, 01:25 PM
Quote:Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
Heal slowly
Heal deep I think you can drop this stanza completely.
glued Skin - bound,
each piece leaves
a mark This, coupled with the title leaves quite an image. I just wish you had embellished it more than “just a mark”
Passion to heal
addicted to mend addicted doesn’t really work with addicted to mend, i understand what you are saying but the phrasing doesn’t work. Maybe driven works better, but of course, it looses the negative connotation you wish to convey
aroused by repair
licking the gash this runs into the previous list in a not so pleasant way. You’ve got action, action action, object. I think it needs to be separated by a period or perhaps brought down to its own stanza.
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth.
No dirt. the itching
beneath, bearing it,
fondling the wound. I like all the imagery here, with the exception of no dirt. I don’t get that, it seems like you would expect for there to be dirt in the situation described, is there really innocence?
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat
against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag. Some interesting imagery here, but the long list from of the short line breaks makes it drag on a bit more than it should. The line breaks don’t really hold up.
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar
Leftover love.