02-22-2018, 10:59 PM
Hey RC,
nice work.
Lucille, Blind Son, Deep Blues, and an Empty Tobacco Can
(Title seems to be in the wrong order - An empty tobacco can, would make
a punchier title, I think)
I'm afraid I agree with tectak on the line length/enjambment,
this has a lovely unrushed feeling (or, languorous, if you prefer)
that would suit longer lines.
Christmas-day,
(makes me wonder why the year is omitted)
Tallulah, Louisiana;
I walk through
frosty fields,
(any sounds for this?)
sprawling boundless
Not sure about this, one or the other,
but not both. Or maybe something else
entirely.
with baby elephant-ear
tobacco leaves,
great lines
picked-over cotton
and tangerines,
to a shambled row
of pickers’
can anything be done to avoid the seeming
repetition of 'picked-over' and 'pickers'?
shotgun houses.
I knock
on a paint-slivered door,
don't think 'paint-slivered' works that well
(seems to imply intentional effect), though
the image is clear.
and hear shuffling,
rustling, inside.
These last two lines seem to be filler,
they don't really do enough.
A short,
white-haired man,
pipe, dark glasses,
cracks open the door.
(Perhaps reorder the description:
A man, short, white-haired... ?)
Does he not speak first?
Wouldn't N say 'excuse me' or similar?
They told me,
up tha street,
you’re a guitar player,
tol’ me
(Why told then tol'?)
you make the box talk.
...
Be right back.
………………………………
Lucille’s laying out,
willowy reed-thin,
would suggest cutting 'willowy'
(better rhythm and sonics I think)
on the rumpled bed;
no signs from her.
(could add a bit to the description of her,
even if just clothes. Does 'no signs'
explain N's final question to her?)
Blind Son
takes my Martin,
and proceeds
to stroke,
hammer,
and fondle it;
These last four lines are ugly,
do you need them?
sounds come out of it
in disbelief, but
no hesitation,
knee deep in cotton,
(anything you could do about
repeating 'cotton'?)
where they started out
back in slave days.
('slave' is a bit bald,
unless 'slave days' is a common
phrase)
He tunes to open,
takes a Prince Albert can
(nice detail, perhaps could add a bit
to identify the precise tobacco type
- yes, I googled it)
off a shelf,
slides it
up an’ down
the strings;
they whine and cry,
'whine and cry' is rather weak,
like Robert Johnson’s
when the devil
tuned it up strange
(Just curious - how does 'strange'
compare/relate to 'open' in terms
of tuning?)
at the crossroads,
Highway 8 an’ 1,
to a sound
unheard before.
not sure you need the last two lines.
Blind Son beams out:
don't think you need this
Oh, man, ah lahk
this gitah.
He speaks gently
to Lucille,
(when did she wake?)
asks her
to sing “one ‘a
the ol’ ones.”
She rolls over
on her back
and commences to
knock me out,
Last two lines need work (especially
'commences'), perhaps move them
to the end of the verse, they seem
like an interruption.
A rather more radical suggestion
is go straight from
She rolls over on [to] her back
to
Lying there she introduces me...
(apart from 'sets time dancing, hollering'
and 'women's blues' - there's nothing much
in the intervening lines that isn't said better
in the rest of the piece. )
with a voice
...
delirium.
Don't think this section is a strong as it should be.
Soft,
...
boyfriends,
Lying there,
she introduces me
to a blues-land
cyclone
going from 'cyclone' to 'resting'
doesn't really work
resting inside people,
released
every Saturday night,
from dusk
to late morning,
come on RC, you can
do better than 'late morning'
doin’ tha cakewalk,
tha shimmy,
swingout,
tha buzzard lope;
slingin’ barbecue,
gamblers’ cards
on the table,
whiskey
and homebrew
flowin.’
(Would this work as
slingin' barbecue, cards
whiskey, the homebrew flowin'?)
“Dance all night,
dance tha night
ta mornin,’
shut tha door,
dance some more.”
She sings time
great line
into enduring,
generous strokes
of queenly
not sure about 'queenly'
...
in languorous
gestures
of survival.
excellent last three lines.
(Almost want this verse
to be just be
She sings time
in languorous
gestures of survival
the history is a bit obvious
and consequently banal,
I don't think you need to
remind the reader of it.
There seems to be a verse missing here
about N's reaction to the song.
I leave Blind Son the guitar,
and tell my new favorite singer:
Lucille, I hope you’re feelin’ better
soon.
“Better already.”
(doesn't it need a 'darlin/ma cher' or some other
appropriate/vernacular term of endearment?)
Hope this helps some.
Best, Knot.
nice work.
Lucille, Blind Son, Deep Blues, and an Empty Tobacco Can
(Title seems to be in the wrong order - An empty tobacco can, would make
a punchier title, I think)
I'm afraid I agree with tectak on the line length/enjambment,
this has a lovely unrushed feeling (or, languorous, if you prefer)
that would suit longer lines.
Christmas-day,
(makes me wonder why the year is omitted)
Tallulah, Louisiana;
I walk through
frosty fields,
(any sounds for this?)
sprawling boundless
Not sure about this, one or the other,
but not both. Or maybe something else
entirely.
with baby elephant-ear
tobacco leaves,
great lines
picked-over cotton
and tangerines,
to a shambled row
of pickers’
can anything be done to avoid the seeming
repetition of 'picked-over' and 'pickers'?
shotgun houses.
I knock
on a paint-slivered door,
don't think 'paint-slivered' works that well
(seems to imply intentional effect), though
the image is clear.
and hear shuffling,
rustling, inside.
These last two lines seem to be filler,
they don't really do enough.
A short,
white-haired man,
pipe, dark glasses,
cracks open the door.
(Perhaps reorder the description:
A man, short, white-haired... ?)
Does he not speak first?
Wouldn't N say 'excuse me' or similar?
They told me,
up tha street,
you’re a guitar player,
tol’ me
(Why told then tol'?)
you make the box talk.
...
Be right back.
………………………………
Lucille’s laying out,
willowy reed-thin,
would suggest cutting 'willowy'
(better rhythm and sonics I think)
on the rumpled bed;
no signs from her.
(could add a bit to the description of her,
even if just clothes. Does 'no signs'
explain N's final question to her?)
Blind Son
takes my Martin,
and proceeds
to stroke,
hammer,
and fondle it;
These last four lines are ugly,
do you need them?
sounds come out of it
in disbelief, but
no hesitation,
knee deep in cotton,
(anything you could do about
repeating 'cotton'?)
where they started out
back in slave days.
('slave' is a bit bald,
unless 'slave days' is a common
phrase)
He tunes to open,
takes a Prince Albert can
(nice detail, perhaps could add a bit
to identify the precise tobacco type
- yes, I googled it)
off a shelf,
slides it
up an’ down
the strings;
they whine and cry,
'whine and cry' is rather weak,
like Robert Johnson’s
when the devil
tuned it up strange
(Just curious - how does 'strange'
compare/relate to 'open' in terms
of tuning?)
at the crossroads,
Highway 8 an’ 1,
to a sound
unheard before.
not sure you need the last two lines.
Blind Son beams out:
don't think you need this
Oh, man, ah lahk
this gitah.
He speaks gently
to Lucille,
(when did she wake?)
asks her
to sing “one ‘a
the ol’ ones.”
She rolls over
on her back
and commences to
knock me out,
Last two lines need work (especially
'commences'), perhaps move them
to the end of the verse, they seem
like an interruption.
A rather more radical suggestion
is go straight from
She rolls over on [to] her back
to
Lying there she introduces me...
(apart from 'sets time dancing, hollering'
and 'women's blues' - there's nothing much
in the intervening lines that isn't said better
in the rest of the piece. )
with a voice
...
delirium.
Don't think this section is a strong as it should be.
Soft,
...
boyfriends,
Lying there,
she introduces me
to a blues-land
cyclone
going from 'cyclone' to 'resting'
doesn't really work
resting inside people,
released
every Saturday night,
from dusk
to late morning,
come on RC, you can
do better than 'late morning'
doin’ tha cakewalk,
tha shimmy,
swingout,
tha buzzard lope;
slingin’ barbecue,
gamblers’ cards
on the table,
whiskey
and homebrew
flowin.’
(Would this work as
slingin' barbecue, cards
whiskey, the homebrew flowin'?)
“Dance all night,
dance tha night
ta mornin,’
shut tha door,
dance some more.”
She sings time
great line
into enduring,
generous strokes
of queenly
not sure about 'queenly'
...
in languorous
gestures
of survival.
excellent last three lines.
(Almost want this verse
to be just be
She sings time
in languorous
gestures of survival
the history is a bit obvious
and consequently banal,
I don't think you need to
remind the reader of it.
There seems to be a verse missing here
about N's reaction to the song.
I leave Blind Son the guitar,
and tell my new favorite singer:
Lucille, I hope you’re feelin’ better
soon.
“Better already.”
(doesn't it need a 'darlin/ma cher' or some other
appropriate/vernacular term of endearment?)
Hope this helps some.
Best, Knot.