Nature's Epilogue - tear it apart!

[lauraelizdok]

I watch the sun in passing
to its hand the green does grow;
through its awesome powers
the gift of life does flow.

I watch in apprehension
this golden deity at work
when I see the gift of life withdrawn
turning fertile oasis
into barren desert.

And I can't help but wonder
if it is written by design
in nature's contract of power
a sub-clause of decline.

I see the sun bring Eden
I see the rain guard the fruit;
I see two forces restraining
from what in-silo each can do.

And if such be Her intention
A just balance in life's span
Is it to any wonder
what will result of man?

I see it all around me
In sad streams, and sinking ice slopes too
the sins we have created,
the lamenting we must do.

But nature wrote long before us
a steady and condign plan
and in that, perhaps She always knew:
man will destroy man.

[Todd]

Hi Laurelizdok, welcome to the site! Here are some comments for you.

There are a lot of inconsistencies with meter and some basic typo and usage errors that pull me out of the piece.

I watch the sun in passing--no big issues, I just wish the opening did more to pull me in.
to it's hand the green does grow;--its (lose the apostrophe). I also am not a fan of inverted syntax. It feels forced and screams look at me I'm a poem.
through it's awesome powers--again its.
the gift of life does flow.--gift of life is a bit cliche. This opening reads as filler setup and doesn't advance the poem in an interesting way.

I watch in apprehension
this golden deity at work--If you reinsert meter into this verse this phrasing will be problematic.
when I see the gift of life withdrawn--here's gift of life again. It isn't good enough to be used once.
turning fertile oasis
into baron desert.--A few things in this stanza. You abandon the quatrain (not a good choice). Your meter and rhyme scheme go away--which doesn't work well. Barren is misspelled. 

And I can't help but wonder
if it is so written by design--so should be cut. It's a filler word that isn't helping you.
in nature's contract of power
a sub-clause of decline.--interesting line. I like how you play off the imagery of the previous line.

I see the sun bring Eden
I see the rain guard the fruit;--This line sounds poor. You're using filler words to match line length but it isn't working with the meter. read it out loud and you'll probably hear it.
I see two forces restraining
from what in-silo each can do.--I get what you're going for with in-silo, but it feels off. Silo language is used in business. It seems out of place with words like Eden and this appeal to creation and nature sort of vibe you start off with.

And if such be Her intention
A just balance in life's span
Is it to any wonder
what will result of man?

I see it all around me
In sad streams, and sinking ice slopes too...--It is jarring when you use meter and rhyme in the last verse and then abandon it with this oversized, clunky line. I also would cut the ellipses. 
the sins we have created,
the lamenting we must do.

But nature wrote long before us
a steady and condign plan--Like the use of condign
and in that,--another time you leave the quatrains. This is not strong enough in any event to hold its own line. 
perhaps she always knew:--If you are going to capitalize Her above then you should capitalize She here.
man will destroy man.--Not a bad ending line.

I realize that I took your tear it apart literally. I hope some of the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Tiger the Lion]

Hello, and welcome. Not sure if this is really ready for this forum. But...

I watch the sun in passing
to it's hand the green does grow;
through it's awesome powers
the gift of life does flow. Would you ever use "does" in this way in actual speech? Twice even? 

I watch in apprehension
this golden deity at work
when I see the gift of life withdrawn
turning fertile oasis
into baron(spelling) desert.

And I can't help but wonder
if it is so written by design
in nature's contract of power
a sub-clause of decline. Imagine this verse on all one line. A  punctuation nightmare. You are asking your line breaks to do all the work. 

I see the sun bring Eden
I see the rain guard the fruit;
I see two forces restraining
from what in-silo each can do. I'm sure you've conceived of something clever here. But it doesn't translate.

And if such be Her intention
A just balance in life's span
Is it to any wonder
what will result of man? Sounds important, but I don't know what is being asked.

I see it all around me
In sad streams, and sinking ice slopes too...
the sins we have created,
the lamenting we must do.

But nature wrote long before us
a steady and condign plan
and in that,
perhaps she always knew:
man will destroy man.

I'm going to stop there. For me the poem is more interested in sounding like a poem than expressing an idea. I know you started with an idea. Go back to it and don't worry so much how it sounds. 

[lauraelizdok]

Thank you for your feedback! Yes, Tiger of the Lion, it may have been a little over-ambitious to post a first poem in this forum. However, I know the best way to progress is through honest critique. Clearly the idea I was aiming at hasn't come through so I will go back to the drawing board on how to convey that. Also, thanks Todd for pointing out the clichés - something I definitely don't want in my writing (!) - so I will look for more imaginative alternatives to convey these thoughts. I'm not yet familiar with the technicality of quatrain, meter etc. but this gives me something to look into so I can be more conscious in my writing.

[tectak]

I watch the sun in passing
to its hand the green does grow;
through its awesome powers
the gift of life does flow.

I watch in apprehension
this golden deity at work
when I see the gift of life withdrawn
turning fertile oasis
into barren desert.

And I can't help but wonder
if it is written by design
in nature's contract of power
a sub-clause of decline.

I see the sun bring Eden
I see the rain guard the fruit;
I see two forces restraining
from what in-silo each can do.

And if such be Her intention
A just balance in life's span
Is it to any wonder
what will result of man?

I see it all around me
In sad streams, and sinking ice slopes too
the sins we have created,
the lamenting we must do.

But nature wrote long before us
a steady and condign plan
and in that, perhaps She always knew:
man will destroy man.

Hello Laura,
as you yourself commented, you may be a little overambitious in this forum and no one wants see you get torn apart. That's not the idea. If you want to move this piece to say, Mild, just say the word. Have a look at Leanne's notes on novice poets common errors...it would help. For me, just avoid the word awesome....always. Mod.
Best,
tectak