The Fucking Band-Aid

[Estefanie.V]

Hi Estefanie,
I think you're going in the right direction with the revision.
A couple of thoughts:
Firstly, the opening stanza seems to be a précis of the whole poem.
If viewed as instructions then everything after it feels slightly redundant.
If you don't like the idea of bracketing the piece starting with L1/2 and
ending with L3/4, then perhaps you might consider dividing the piece into
four and having each line of S1 as the first line of a quarter.

Secondly, I think it might be more effective as a metaphor if you
removed all the 'emotional' elements from it.
Let the physical represent the emotional.

Just a cut and paste idea;

Breathe slowly

glued Skin-bound,
each piece leaves [you]
mark[ed].

Breathe deep

No dirt. [Bear}
the itching
beneath

Heal slowly

slow transmutation
sterile, a carnal
drag.

Heal deep

Hold your breath
pull it apart,
[slowly]

unfold
the fresh scar.

Thank you for the suggestion! I am really liking that version, do you mind it if I use it as a final version? 

I attempted to make an analogy of how rebound relationships feel right after having a significant emotional rupture with someone else. Usually the person who takes the role of "the band-aid" in a rebound relationship ends up damaged by getting involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable. Perhaps, I should write more strongly from the perspective of "the band-aid" rather than from the perspective of the person using the band-aid...

---

I really liked the poem overall. A few small things seemed out of place, although I may be nitpicking here. I've pointed them out below.


[quote="Estefanie.V" pid='238405' dateline='1516134936']
Edited Version:

Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
Heal slowly
Heal deep These lines really bring out dimensions of the "injury". I like.

glued Skin - bound,
each piece leaves
a mark

Passion to heal
addicted to mend
aroused by repair
licking the gash
some past Juliets left

Leftover warmth. Excellent use of enjambment, well suited to the words

No dirt. the itching
beneath, bearing it,
fondling the wound.

Techniques to re-build
under water and heat
against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation Nice contrast, but the combination of two heavy words
Interrupts the tone of the poem a little here. I am not suggesting you edit this though

from a sterile device
to a carnal drag.

Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections Too many words, maybe? I'd suggest you bring them out of the grammatical framework if you must use them. Much like the first line of this paragraph.
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar

Leftover love.

Thank you for your feedback! 

I am considering taking out all of the emotional references and leave only the images of physical pain or discomfort in order to exemplify emotional pain... perhaps it would work better?